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Cleaning out parents home...

EkkieLu

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I bet! My mom will be 93 in June. She couldn't live alone anymore and I promised her I'd never put her in a home, so I moved her in with me. I can relate to that fealing every day too.
 

Clueless

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Prayers up for both of you.
 

faislaq

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:sadhug2:
 

Teckechick

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Dementia makes people do some crazy things. Drives me nuts sometimes
Yeah .... mom called my daughter and convinced her I was bleeding to death and in the hospital...
:sadhug2::sadhug:
It's really hard sometimes. My mom has this often and I always feel so bad for her. She gets so confused and there is just nothing we can do except tell her over and over that she is safe. Her latest is that she think she has her contacts in and needs them taken out, she hasn't worn them for about 4 years now. It is really hard when she can't remember who we are and thinks she is in the hospital, that one breaks my heart every time.
 

lexalayne

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Thank you ! It’s really hard on them and us. My mom is believing her hallucinations most of the time now - Parkinson’s- my dad passed away last fall and she thinks she sees him with his pregnant gf. And she thinks I’ve adopted 3 children (omg I’ve had 5 of my own) she called and asked “my” blond boys name (she thinks I’ve left him with her) & asked WHERE’S YOUR FATHER ?! While I was explaining the true things she hung up..

My dad took out an insurance policy for long term care for her in 1972 if she ever needed care. I am so thankful he did this. At first I cried leaving after a visit for months. She wouldn’t be safe even with myself or a nurse
I can’t lift her and she leaves the house and hides. She stashed her meds or refused to take them. It’s so sad to see her like this.
 

Shezbug

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I really feel for you all and can totally relate to the emotional struggles and way that so many normal things become so difficult, painfully heartbreaking and terrifying.
Both my grandparents had dementia/Alzheimer’s and I cared for my grandmother part time (most of the week) and my grandfather full time.
It is hard to accept the changes that happen and especially the things they forget like who you are.
Remember to take time out for yourself to rest but also to do things for you that are normal....it is very easy to get caught up in the responsibilities and heartbreaking changes and before you know it you have lost who you are. You need to look after you first so you can continue to look after your mother. Please make sure you take some regular time out and away from the situation so you can continue to help without loosing your mind or your life in the process. :sadhug2:
 

EkkieLu

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My mom now lives with me. She can hardly remember from one minute to the next what's going on. When I try to explain anything to her she calls me a liar! Out of the blue she'll start yelling at me for things that never happened. She'll ask me to do something then ten minutes yell at me for doing it. I had to move nearly all my furniture to the basement cuz she wanted everything arranged just like she used to have it in her condo. While unpacking her belongings she kept saying it wasn't her stuff and still accuses me of stealing her knick knacks. She has to have her vacuum cleaner sitting in the middle of the living room where she can see it so I don't take it and sell it. She tells family members that I don't feed her so I take pics of her meals and text them 3 times a day to my siblings who refuse to even help me with her. She gets extremely jealous when I'm on the phone talking to my children so she starts yelling at me until I just have to hang up. She constantly criticises everything from my home decor to my clothing. She gets in arguments with my birds that always ends up with her yelling Shut Up and 4 little voices yelling Shut Up right back at her. None of my siblings really believe how bad she behaves cuz they only talk to her on the phone once in a while or see her for an hour or so on special occasions. So they give me lectures about being more patient with her and not taking what she says so personally. But until you live 24/7 with someone who has such a negative and aggressive personality you cannot fully understand how unsettling it really is.
 

Shezbug

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Oh my.....I could have written this exact post myself.
Lol, I had one family member call human services on me to complain about things I was doing wrong or realistically about how I was abusing and mistreating my grandfather. They investigated me which was very very stressful and then also caused me to be investigated about the situation my children were living in. Of course I was cleared on both accounts!!!
They will not ever understand because they don’t want to. For me, the more I needed help or understanding the more they twisted or ignored the situation and made out it was no big deal. None of them would take care of him for even a week so I could have a break....I put him into respite for two weeks and on the first day my uncle picked him up then refused to take him back and insisted on dropping him off at my home while I was not there. It ended up getting pretty bad and actually tore the whole family apart. They still think I was cruel for insisting that both grandparents went into aged care once they needed physically lifting and full time supervision for everyone’s safety.
You know what it’s like and you will do the best you can so it will be easier for you to start to view your other family members with having the same mental capacity as the one you’re caring for- it was the only way I could peacefully accept their behaviour and beliefs of my reality.
Keep your chin up, you know you are doing what is right and doing it to your best ability which is more than they are doing. A phone call here and there does not give them the full picture that you are privy to. :hug8:
 

lexalayne

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@EkkieLu yes! All of what you said. Do you or have you reached the point where you stop trying to reason with her? And so true with siblings also. My brother says she never says anything close to what I’m saying.

And the four years previous to now was constant checking on my parents and taking meals, mail, cleaning, dr appts. Surgeries... And we live on an island and leave by small airplane in the winter. Now mom is in a memory assisted living unit and dad passed away. I love them and miss my dad. It’s a shame old age can turn them into someone else or so it seems.
 
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Shezbug

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I found changing the subject to something they still had an interest in worked for me when they both got angry or argumentative about things that were not real or appropriate.
My Nan was easier to do this with than my grandfather.
I know it sounds awful but I did find distracting them (like you do to young kids) to look at a plane or bird or dropping something would be enough to break the cycle of having to reason about things that were unreasonable.
It is horrible to witness the changes in them and so very sad.
Sometimes I just had to take five minutes to have a quiet cry or laugh at the ridiculousness of certain situations really helped me.
 

lexalayne

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Oh my.....I could have written this exact post myself.
Lol, I had one family member call human services on me to complain about things I was doing wrong or realistically about how I was abusing and mistreating my grandfather. They investigated me which was very very stressful and then also caused me to be investigated about the situation my children were living in. Of course I was cleared on both accounts!!!
They will not ever understand because they don’t want to. For me, the more I needed help or understanding the more they twisted or ignored the situation and made out it was no big deal. None of them would take care of him for even a week so I could have a break....I put him into respite for two weeks and on the first day my uncle picked him up then refused to take him back and insisted on dropping him off at my home while I was not there. It ended up getting pretty bad and actually tore the whole family apart. They still think I was cruel for insisting that both grandparents went into aged care once they needed physically lifting and full time supervision for everyone’s safety.
You know what it’s like and you will do the best you can so it will be easier for you to start to view your other family members with having the same mental capacity as the one you’re caring for- it was the only way I could peacefully accept their behaviour and beliefs of my reality.
Keep your chin up, you know you are doing what is right and doing it to your best ability which is more than they are doing. A phone call here and there does not give them the full picture that you are privy to. :hug8:


True whatever you do it’s not good enough ! And I can’t believe you had to deal with SS! That’s awful
 

SandraK

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:hug8::hug8:Dementia runs in my family - first my grandfather who'd go into town for daily shopping and forget where he was or how to get home. He also insisted that he'd won the lotto and needed to go back to Lockerbie (Scotland) to collect his winnings (he'd been living in Brazil for well over 50 years). My mother opted to live w/my brother (& family) in England but didn't tell them it was permanent. They ended up placing her in assisted living because she was throwing temper tantrums, would leave windows open, forget to lock the front door. My SIL said the saddest thing was knowing this person who had been funny, vivacious and outgoing turning into someone who didn't recognize her family, specially Rob who was her favourite of the two of us.

Sending you lots of hugs and many good thoughts to help you deal with your mom.:sadhug:
 

lexalayne

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I found changing the subject to something they still had an interest in worked for me when they both got angry or argumentative about things that were not real or appropriate.
My Nan was easier to do this with than my grandfather.
I know it sounds awful but I did find distracting them (like you do to young kids) to look at a plane or bird or dropping something would be enough to break the cycle of having to reason about things that were unreasonable.
It is horrible to witness the changes in them and so very sad.
Sometimes I just had to take five minutes to have a quiet cry or laugh at the ridiculousness of certain situations really helped me.


I’ll try distractions with her. But sometimes my jaw just hits the floor. When she broke her hip a few months ago I went into her room before the surgery. She looked at me and said Lexa Oh thank goodness YOU’RE ALIVE ! It seems she had told the entire staff that I drove my car into a wall and she had attended my funeral and wake and spent a few days with my children.
 
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