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My sweet Gus

BirdG1rl

Rollerblading along the road
Joined
6/20/21
Messages
1,030
Real Name
Mara M.M
I am so sorry for your loss. Gus will be waiting for you on the other side.
 

Vmax

Jogging around the block
Joined
7/7/17
Messages
697
Location
Waco, Texas
Real Name
Vanessa
I know that feelings aren’t facts...not ranking them just saying. Today, I don’t feel any color or beauty in my life. He was too young and such a sweet bird. He was curious and bold and stubborn and I just felt lost when I woke up this morning. Hiccup and Max were protesting an over due breakfast and I felt lifeless. I wish I had had the foresight to remove his little leg band. Grief sucks swamp water.
 

Dartman

Biking along the boulevard
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
10/20/12
Messages
8,446
Location
Portland Oregon
Real Name
Terry
I'm sorry you lost him but sounds like there was nothing you could have done to change things :sadhug:
 

Vmax

Jogging around the block
Joined
7/7/17
Messages
697
Location
Waco, Texas
Real Name
Vanessa
We finally got in to see an avian specialist so we drove Gus down to Austin. He was able to run tests and found the growth in Gus’s belly within the first hour. There was such a build up of pressure that Gus’s ability to breathe had been compromised. The vet drew of almost 11 grams of fluid off of my little bird which we sent off for cytology testing. Gus was breathing normally and I was so relieved. Jeff and I both commented on the size and non uniform nature of it. But, I think I was so over joyed that we got to take him home and it wasn’t an infectious agent, that I was blind to just how sick Gussy was. After the fluid draw, he was so tiny and emaciated. I can look back and see where it may have started, but I honestly thought he was just being a little antisocial as he molted. We pulled into the driveway and I turned around to check on Gus and he was on his side on the bottom of his cage. He was barely breathing and was cold to the touch. Jeff and I took turns holding him and talking to him and crying. When Jeff went to pull the car into the garage, Gus fluttered and stretched out his head like he was trying to drink the air and then he relaxed and let go. He was so beautiful and I just wanted to pet the life back into him. It was so devastating because we had left the clinic with a little hope. We had scheduled a check up for the next week and the vet techs were talking about how sweet he was and that his markings were so beautiful. I was drinking it all in and thinking I was going to have at least a decade or more with my Gus-Gus. We had two hours at best. He had been mildly sedated for the tests and the vet left Gus sedated for the journey home. I am so grateful for your condolences and your support. To have some folks understand this has been a blessing. Several of our friends and family members have checked in, and although well-meaning, have suggested getting “a new bird”. I’m not angry at their ignorance or insensitivity. He wasn’t a part so easily replaced. But a part of me died with him. Yeah, he left feather dust embedded in my soul and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
 

Clueless

Joyriding the Neighborhood
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Avenue Concierge
Joined
11/3/12
Messages
22,119
@Vmax

I'm so so sorry.

I walked a longer walk with MC but felt all those emotions too. My heart buddy that I intended to grow old with was robbed of his life by cancer.

If you haven't loved a feathered friend, you just won't understand. Our families and friends mean well, but just don't get it.
 

Vmax

Jogging around the block
Joined
7/7/17
Messages
697
Location
Waco, Texas
Real Name
Vanessa
@Clueless
If I had to guess, I’d say Gus had a cancer of some sort. The vet is going to call us next week with results. I honestly want to know.
I’m also tired of crying and hurting, but I seem to have more of both to do.
 

Sparkles99

Rollerblading along the road
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
8/9/20
Messages
4,129
Location
Ontario, Canada
Grief is different every time. Take the time you need. Your family & friends mean well. One day, when the time is right, you’ll say yes to love again. It won’t be forgetting Gus, but the start of his earthly legacy. Love is like that; it doesn’t end even after someone dies: it continues here & in the hereafter. Anyone you truly love carries a part of you forever.
:sadhug2:
 

Pat H

Rollerblading along the road
Joined
9/27/19
Messages
2,102
Location
Apple River, IL
Real Name
Pat
We finally got in to see an avian specialist so we drove Gus down to Austin. He was able to run tests and found the growth in Gus’s belly within the first hour. There was such a build up of pressure that Gus’s ability to breathe had been compromised. The vet drew of almost 11 grams of fluid off of my little bird which we sent off for cytology testing. Gus was breathing normally and I was so relieved. Jeff and I both commented on the size and non uniform nature of it. But, I think I was so over joyed that we got to take him home and it wasn’t an infectious agent, that I was blind to just how sick Gussy was. After the fluid draw, he was so tiny and emaciated. I can look back and see where it may have started, but I honestly thought he was just being a little antisocial as he molted. We pulled into the driveway and I turned around to check on Gus and he was on his side on the bottom of his cage. He was barely breathing and was cold to the touch. Jeff and I took turns holding him and talking to him and crying. When Jeff went to pull the car into the garage, Gus fluttered and stretched out his head like he was trying to drink the air and then he relaxed and let go. He was so beautiful and I just wanted to pet the life back into him. It was so devastating because we had left the clinic with a little hope. We had scheduled a check up for the next week and the vet techs were talking about how sweet he was and that his markings were so beautiful. I was drinking it all in and thinking I was going to have at least a decade or more with my Gus-Gus. We had two hours at best. He had been mildly sedated for the tests and the vet left Gus sedated for the journey home. I am so grateful for your condolences and your support. To have some folks understand this has been a blessing. Several of our friends and family members have checked in, and although well-meaning, have suggested getting “a new bird”. I’m not angry at their ignorance or insensitivity. He wasn’t a part so easily replaced. But a part of me died with him. Yeah, he left feather dust embedded in my soul and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I read and re-read this post numerous times... since I also can relate to your loss.... It does take awhile, but try to remember the fun times... Nothing can and will ever replace Gus. Give yourself time. Know that your husband is also going thru this along with you... :sadhug:
 

sootling

Sprinting down the street
Joined
5/2/21
Messages
397
Location
USA
Real Name
Ollie (any pronouns, but they/them preferred)
Oh, Vmax, I'm so sorry. Gus was an amazing little bird, take all the time you need to grieve :sadhug2:
 

SunTruth

Walking the driveway
Joined
3/6/22
Messages
174
I am very sorry for your loss. Hard to find words in these moments.
 

scrape

Rollerblading along the road
Celebirdy of the Month
Joined
5/4/19
Messages
2,360
Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss. :sorrow:
 

Vmax

Jogging around the block
Joined
7/7/17
Messages
697
Location
Waco, Texas
Real Name
Vanessa
I need to rant, mumble, and let some thoughts flow. I heard a sad song on the radio as I was driving home from work and I just started crying and missing Gus. The vet called and the cytology didn’t really reveal anything concrete. Apparently he had hemorrhaged. According to the cytology report, he may have suffered a trauma, possibly, but they couldn’t rule out cancer. That can only be confirmed with a biopsy. It wasn’t quite as helpful as I had hoped....as if I could have controlled anything on this scale:tntrnm:. I would’ve if I had the capacity. No damage to his lungs or air sacs, but some liver enzymes were present in the serum they tested. The vet said those could be attributed to several different disease possibilities.

Some one mentioned that at least we still had Max and Hiccup. I said yeah, but inside I seethed. When a car breaks down, at least having another car IS helpful. I know my birds aren’t “children” but they are each precious to me as little individuals and I have a different and varying relationship with each of them. Having Hiccup and Max is a blessing, but Hiccup is, well, Hiccup and not Max or Gus. Ditto Max.

We say some strange and unhelpful things to grieving folks.

Jeff said that he has cried more over Gus’s death than his father’s passing in June of last year. I told him that I thought, at least for me, that relationships with our animals can be much less complicated and a little more pure. Also, this was so unexpected.

I don’t know. I still want him back and I still feel badly for overlooking some subtle behavior changes he displayed. It’s just where I am and I needed to get it out into the sunshine of the community and out of the darker recesses of my brain where they fester.

Again, I don’t think I can ever repay AA folks for the kindness and support and understanding you all have shown to me during this loss. I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but I felt almost human today and didn’t cry in front of my students at least.
 

Clueless

Joyriding the Neighborhood
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Avenue Concierge
Joined
11/3/12
Messages
22,119
I've been there. For me? It was I should have seen the tumor before it got that bad.

We hurt because we care.

They knew they were loved and THAT'S what I take comfort in.
 

SunTruth

Walking the driveway
Joined
3/6/22
Messages
174
Hard to say anything that could ease your mind, but from an outside perspective you gave a good life to your bird and he was loved. Some other animals and even human beings experiences their time on earth without that.

You did the best you could and the time of your bird on earth was worth it. At the end it is all that matter I think.
 

Lady Jane

Ripping up the road
Avenue Veteran
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
8/25/12
Messages
25,642
Location
Maryland
Real Name
Dianne
:sadhug2:
 

tka

Rollerblading along the road
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
4/4/17
Messages
4,064
Location
London, UK
I'm so sorry for your loss. Gus' spirit was like a meteor - he lit up your skies for such a short while on his journey around the earth. It's clear how much you and Jeff loved him, and I don't think he could have asked for more.
 

peggopanic

Meeting neighbors
Joined
9/13/20
Messages
73
Location
NV
Real Name
Peggy Wang
I need to rant, mumble, and let some thoughts flow. I heard a sad song on the radio as I was driving home from work and I just started crying and missing Gus. The vet called and the cytology didn’t really reveal anything concrete. Apparently he had hemorrhaged. According to the cytology report, he may have suffered a trauma, possibly, but they couldn’t rule out cancer. That can only be confirmed with a biopsy. It wasn’t quite as helpful as I had hoped....as if I could have controlled anything on this scale:tntrnm:. I would’ve if I had the capacity. No damage to his lungs or air sacs, but some liver enzymes were present in the serum they tested. The vet said those could be attributed to several different disease possibilities.

Some one mentioned that at least we still had Max and Hiccup. I said yeah, but inside I seethed. When a car breaks down, at least having another car IS helpful. I know my birds aren’t “children” but they are each precious to me as little individuals and I have a different and varying relationship with each of them. Having Hiccup and Max is a blessing, but Hiccup is, well, Hiccup and not Max or Gus. Ditto Max.

We say some strange and unhelpful things to grieving folks.

Jeff said that he has cried more over Gus’s death than his father’s passing in June of last year. I told him that I thought, at least for me, that relationships with our animals can be much less complicated and a little more pure. Also, this was so unexpected.

I don’t know. I still want him back and I still feel badly for overlooking some subtle behavior changes he displayed. It’s just where I am and I needed to get it out into the sunshine of the community and out of the darker recesses of my brain where they fester.

Again, I don’t think I can ever repay AA folks for the kindness and support and understanding you all have shown to me during this loss. I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but I felt almost human today and didn’t cry in front of my students at least.
I feel you here completely, except that these are my babies and I don’t have human babies. They may not be your human children but they’re still family and there’s a hole now that everyone can feel. Lolita is still here but she’s not Jeffrey and Jeffrey was so special, I’m just at a loss. Waking up is just so hard.

I too keep trying to find signs I missed, any odd behavior. I also chalked up the final two days of more quieter moments due to his general moodiness. I’m kicking myself and feeling angry at myself feels like the only acceptable feeling I’m allowed. Grieving is a b*tch, I find myself coming back to this forum to find others grieving, it’s nice to not feel so alone. Sending you love and hugs.
 
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