Mason and Kiwi
Strolling the yard
I haven't posted in a little over a week. It's 1 AM for me right now and I'm still finding myself crying in the living room. I am writing this to vent, and part of me is hoping that other people have experienced this so I know I'm not alone, while the other part wishes this would never happen to anybody ever again. Nobody deserves to experience this, be it parrot or owner. This is going to be a long, vent post so ignore it if you'd like.
I lost Kiwi on 05/29/23, just last monday. I adopted her in November of 2018 at 6 months old. She would have been 5 years old this year. She was completely fine on Saturday, playing and running around and talking. Eating her food. Sunday morning she began acting more tired and fluffed up and was not acting like herself. The only emergency vet open was one that was an hour and a half away.
We took her as fast as we could and she began vomiting in the car on the way there. The doctor took her for the day and didn't run tests since she was stable. Afterwards we were told she had some kind of infection as her white blood cell count was high as well as likely kidney disease as her uric acid levels were so high that the machine couldn't even read it.
The prognosis wasn't good but even as I asked the vet to give me her brutally honest answer of euthanasia or trying the medications, she remained vague and would not tell me which option was best. We were given antibiotics and I was meant to pick up the medication to lower her uric acid on Tuesday, as everything was still closed on Memorial Day.
She got through the night Saturday, but was getting worse. During the morning, I spent about 3 hours with her just cuddled up right into my neck. Just like she did when I first got her. She stopped eating but no other vet was open. While she was taking her antibiotics, the medicine that would lower her uric acid to get her to stop vomiting and having Diarrhea wouldnt arrive until Tuesday. I put her to bed at 7pm and during an hourly check at 9pm, I found her at the bottom of her cage.
I picked her up and took her to the living room and cradled her in my hands with my partner. She was wheezing and began having seizures, and I have never experienced an up close death of a pet. It was traumatizing and painfully sad. I desperately tried to call multiple clinics for euthanasia so she could stop being in pain, but no luck. Her breathing began to slow and I kissed her and stroked her head and told her she was okay to go, that I didn't want her in pain.
My partner and I held her until her very last breath. She passed at 9:50 PM.
I'm frustrated at myself for this still. For so many reasons. And I am angry. And almost unbearably sad.
Maybe I should have had her euthanized the day earlier so I could prevent the pain. But the doctor was vague, and couldn't even tell me what the cause of it was. Bacterial, viral, genetic, who knows.
Part of me is guilty because I should have driven that hour and a half again when she stopped eating, but would that have changed anything? The damage to her kidney was most likely irreversible, and a life on supportive fluids and medications is no good quality of life.
We just moved to Washington from Florida. Did the stress of the move cause her immune system to lower? She handled it fine and was happy the whole way. Before she could fly, she needed a certificate of health. The doctor examined her and we weren't having any huge issues other than some hormonal behaviors that have appeared normally in the past years I've had her. I opted not for a blood test as the doctor suggested it may be too stressful for her if she's going on a flight.
Could this have been prevented a month ago if I had said yes?
We gave her an entire room in my new home. We were going to put more shelves in it, ropes, toys from the ceiling, everything. Her window now had a screen in it and I would open it for her daily so she could breathe the fresh air. Since I was able to move, I had more time off and support from my partner now and could live an easier, more relaxed life and spend so much more time with her.
I took her to stores with me in her new carrier where she got to meet so many people already, was given new safe treats from people, got to see so many beautiful flowers at the store, and even went on a short hike with me in a beautiful forest.
Did the universe know she would be gone soon? That all this happened so she could experience it before she passed?
I got her a new water fountain that she loved and took baths in immediately, drinking it and playing.
Then I begin to realize that she was drinking so much water because her kidneys were dying and she was trying to flush them out. I noticed she was eating less, but still loved treats and was eating most of her food, both veggies and otherwise. I assumed it was from moving as she seemed active and happy otherwise.
Did I leave her vegetables out for too long for her to eat? Did they make her sick? Although she had been eating them like that her entire life? Did the outdoor air carry some fungus that caused her infection? Was it something genetic that was due to the fact she came from a Pet Smart, and likely a parrot mill?
Everyone says I spoiled her and loved her so, so much. I'm unsure about spoiling her, I tried to give her everything but I am still guilty. I loved her so much and yet I feel as though I failed. I failed as a parent to her and as someone who was meant to protect her. She barely made it to five years and for that I am angry at myself. I did everything I could to keep her healthy with a balanced diet and play time and socialization and all of the cuddles and love she could ask for.
Is it my fault that I won't be able to hear the kissing noise she made when she pressed her beak into my face? I won't get to hear her say "I love you!" excitedly as she repeatedly gives me more kisses. Hearing her sing "Go kiwi, go kiwi, go!" while dancing and bouncing. No more "Good girl Kiwi" as I give her a treat for spinning in a circle for me. And the funniest of all, when I tried to potty train her but instead only got her to say "Kiwi poop" AFTER she poops. Like an announcement every time.
The pain lessens every day, I know that and can feel it, but some days it barely feels like it's changed. I wish I could have given her a longer life, and I know that if she could actually speak and talk to me, she wouldn't blame me for it. But how do I stop blaming myself? How do I stop being angry that all of this would happen on Memorial weekend? Why couldn't it have been when I could get her to the nearby exotic vet?
It's difficult when the images of finding her at the bottom of her cage, the repeated seizures for an hour, the struggle to breathe, when she screamed halfway through her passing away process, and the end are continuously flooding my mind. I find myself crying while doing chores and feel a hollow feeling in my chest every time I pass the door to her bedroom. When I end up Googling "sudden chronic kidney disease in parrots" to try and find a reason for it. Or why it happened to a young parrot like her.
I try every day to think of good memories and when she was happier. When I could pet her and snuggle her and talk to her for hours.
I'll be able to pull through this. I will. But I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. Tonight was a difficult night for no particular reason and I needed somewhere to get this all out and written down. I'm very sorry for whoever did read this and if it brought back any painful memories. I truly wish that this would never happen, and that this would never happen to any other parrots. They are truly too good to ever deserve this kind of pain.
This Saturday, I am taking her body to a pet funeral service and having her skeleton articulated so that I can have her with me always. I have such a strong gut feeling that while other people may want their pet's souls to be free, Kiwi would have wanted to stay with me for as long as possible. In life and in death.
I loved you so, so much my baby Kiwi. I would do anything to have you back with us. I try to take comfort in knowing you're no longer in pain that I wish I could have prevented.
Rest in Peace my sweet baby Kiwi.
I lost Kiwi on 05/29/23, just last monday. I adopted her in November of 2018 at 6 months old. She would have been 5 years old this year. She was completely fine on Saturday, playing and running around and talking. Eating her food. Sunday morning she began acting more tired and fluffed up and was not acting like herself. The only emergency vet open was one that was an hour and a half away.
We took her as fast as we could and she began vomiting in the car on the way there. The doctor took her for the day and didn't run tests since she was stable. Afterwards we were told she had some kind of infection as her white blood cell count was high as well as likely kidney disease as her uric acid levels were so high that the machine couldn't even read it.
The prognosis wasn't good but even as I asked the vet to give me her brutally honest answer of euthanasia or trying the medications, she remained vague and would not tell me which option was best. We were given antibiotics and I was meant to pick up the medication to lower her uric acid on Tuesday, as everything was still closed on Memorial Day.
She got through the night Saturday, but was getting worse. During the morning, I spent about 3 hours with her just cuddled up right into my neck. Just like she did when I first got her. She stopped eating but no other vet was open. While she was taking her antibiotics, the medicine that would lower her uric acid to get her to stop vomiting and having Diarrhea wouldnt arrive until Tuesday. I put her to bed at 7pm and during an hourly check at 9pm, I found her at the bottom of her cage.
I picked her up and took her to the living room and cradled her in my hands with my partner. She was wheezing and began having seizures, and I have never experienced an up close death of a pet. It was traumatizing and painfully sad. I desperately tried to call multiple clinics for euthanasia so she could stop being in pain, but no luck. Her breathing began to slow and I kissed her and stroked her head and told her she was okay to go, that I didn't want her in pain.
My partner and I held her until her very last breath. She passed at 9:50 PM.
I'm frustrated at myself for this still. For so many reasons. And I am angry. And almost unbearably sad.
Maybe I should have had her euthanized the day earlier so I could prevent the pain. But the doctor was vague, and couldn't even tell me what the cause of it was. Bacterial, viral, genetic, who knows.
Part of me is guilty because I should have driven that hour and a half again when she stopped eating, but would that have changed anything? The damage to her kidney was most likely irreversible, and a life on supportive fluids and medications is no good quality of life.
We just moved to Washington from Florida. Did the stress of the move cause her immune system to lower? She handled it fine and was happy the whole way. Before she could fly, she needed a certificate of health. The doctor examined her and we weren't having any huge issues other than some hormonal behaviors that have appeared normally in the past years I've had her. I opted not for a blood test as the doctor suggested it may be too stressful for her if she's going on a flight.
Could this have been prevented a month ago if I had said yes?
We gave her an entire room in my new home. We were going to put more shelves in it, ropes, toys from the ceiling, everything. Her window now had a screen in it and I would open it for her daily so she could breathe the fresh air. Since I was able to move, I had more time off and support from my partner now and could live an easier, more relaxed life and spend so much more time with her.
I took her to stores with me in her new carrier where she got to meet so many people already, was given new safe treats from people, got to see so many beautiful flowers at the store, and even went on a short hike with me in a beautiful forest.
Did the universe know she would be gone soon? That all this happened so she could experience it before she passed?
I got her a new water fountain that she loved and took baths in immediately, drinking it and playing.
Then I begin to realize that she was drinking so much water because her kidneys were dying and she was trying to flush them out. I noticed she was eating less, but still loved treats and was eating most of her food, both veggies and otherwise. I assumed it was from moving as she seemed active and happy otherwise.
Did I leave her vegetables out for too long for her to eat? Did they make her sick? Although she had been eating them like that her entire life? Did the outdoor air carry some fungus that caused her infection? Was it something genetic that was due to the fact she came from a Pet Smart, and likely a parrot mill?
Everyone says I spoiled her and loved her so, so much. I'm unsure about spoiling her, I tried to give her everything but I am still guilty. I loved her so much and yet I feel as though I failed. I failed as a parent to her and as someone who was meant to protect her. She barely made it to five years and for that I am angry at myself. I did everything I could to keep her healthy with a balanced diet and play time and socialization and all of the cuddles and love she could ask for.
Is it my fault that I won't be able to hear the kissing noise she made when she pressed her beak into my face? I won't get to hear her say "I love you!" excitedly as she repeatedly gives me more kisses. Hearing her sing "Go kiwi, go kiwi, go!" while dancing and bouncing. No more "Good girl Kiwi" as I give her a treat for spinning in a circle for me. And the funniest of all, when I tried to potty train her but instead only got her to say "Kiwi poop" AFTER she poops. Like an announcement every time.
The pain lessens every day, I know that and can feel it, but some days it barely feels like it's changed. I wish I could have given her a longer life, and I know that if she could actually speak and talk to me, she wouldn't blame me for it. But how do I stop blaming myself? How do I stop being angry that all of this would happen on Memorial weekend? Why couldn't it have been when I could get her to the nearby exotic vet?
It's difficult when the images of finding her at the bottom of her cage, the repeated seizures for an hour, the struggle to breathe, when she screamed halfway through her passing away process, and the end are continuously flooding my mind. I find myself crying while doing chores and feel a hollow feeling in my chest every time I pass the door to her bedroom. When I end up Googling "sudden chronic kidney disease in parrots" to try and find a reason for it. Or why it happened to a young parrot like her.
I try every day to think of good memories and when she was happier. When I could pet her and snuggle her and talk to her for hours.
I'll be able to pull through this. I will. But I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. Tonight was a difficult night for no particular reason and I needed somewhere to get this all out and written down. I'm very sorry for whoever did read this and if it brought back any painful memories. I truly wish that this would never happen, and that this would never happen to any other parrots. They are truly too good to ever deserve this kind of pain.
This Saturday, I am taking her body to a pet funeral service and having her skeleton articulated so that I can have her with me always. I have such a strong gut feeling that while other people may want their pet's souls to be free, Kiwi would have wanted to stay with me for as long as possible. In life and in death.
I loved you so, so much my baby Kiwi. I would do anything to have you back with us. I try to take comfort in knowing you're no longer in pain that I wish I could have prevented.
Rest in Peace my sweet baby Kiwi.
We are all here for you as many of us have been through similar experiences.
