need life advice ...

[alshgs]

Budget babe! Like everyone else said, look for roommates and let them meet your birds and know what to expect so they won't try and get rid of you later.
We don't have satellite in our house, or a home phone (we really don't need either though) I pay $9 a month for Netflix, and my kids watch YouTube or movies on their tvs. I'm lucky to be married for 11 years to a huge animal lover, but I would be in your situation if I didn't have him. I bust my tail and put everything extra to savings. We don't have a house payment though, because it's a family owned home and we don't have a payment. But i budget and shop smart. I have yard sales during the year and put that extra into savings, because I couldn't rehome my babies either. You'll get there. Sending hugs, because last year, we struggled. But this year we are where we should be. It was just tight for a few months, especially around Christmas. We managed and sold a few bigger items to pay off some debt. Just breathe, and remember that you have us

 

[tka]

What exactly is meant by "bills" here? If I was sharing a place with a partner and we'd decided that we'd share the household bills 50-50 then yes, I would be annoyed if I was expected to cover their share without us talking about it. I'd be totally happy to pay more towards the bills if I was earning more but it's something that should have been discussed rather than assumed. Honestly, if my partner was spending money on their pets before making sure they had enough to cover rent, electricity, groceries etc and then expect me to cover them, that would bother me - not least because that's less money I have for my pets.

I think it would help you to have a really good look at your finances. What's coming in and what's going out? You need to work out how much you have to work with, what is totally unnegotiable (e.g. rent unless you move), what you may be able to negotiate (e.g. switching utilities supplier or phone plan) and what you can cut back on. Are there outgoings that don't make sense - for example, can you cycle, use public transport or walk rather than drive, can you cook meals in bulk and freeze them, can you eat less meat and more lentils, can you make more of your birds' toys rather than buy them and so on.

And yes, if you can find a roommate who likes birds that sounds like a good idea.

 

[finchly]

I am stuck on the part where birds are hard on him mentally and emotionally. What does it mean? Is it because they are rambunctious, destroy things, mess in the house? Something you can corral or control? Or he doesn't like interacting with them? Or he feels limited by them?

Also since you work a lot, maybe you should go back to your boss and re-negotiate taking your birds to work. Maybe only one or two days a week, but at least you could spend more time with them.

And yeah, if you're spending the have-to-pay-bills money on the birds, it's time to budget.

 

[camelotshadow]

Its more than the birds. If it was the birds & you got rid of them then it would be something else the next time.
I'd dump him. If it was money then there should be discussions of money.
No one should threaten moving out to get there way.
No one should be with a blame monster.
It won;t be a healthy relationship.

Maybe he's jealous of the birds? Is he such a baby that he needs a mommy?
If you want a child for a partner than maybe it could work...

You really have to think how much time you want to waste as this is likely to be a cycle thats going to end with you unhappy should he decide to stay.

 

[finchly]

If you want a child for a partner than maybe it could work....

 

[camelotshadow]

It's true!!!!

Sorry, but that's how I see it but I am still single so you have to weigh how much crap you want to eat to have a man in your life...

 

[finchly]

You're hilarious!

And your first sentence was dead on.

 

[fluffypoptarts]

I've BTDT with a partner saying "the birds or me". I realized many of the things that others have said. You'd regret it, they'll be with you a lot longer than most humans, they'll love you a lot better than most humans could, this won't be the end of what he wants you to give up, etc. Stick to your guns and find animal-friendly roommates (and an animal-friendly partner). Someone who asks you to give up the birdies that you love isn't a worthy partner.

I chose to keep the birds and I'm quite glad I did. Now I'm with someone who loves both me and my fluffy swarm, plus she's glad to help with their care. She also knows that they will always be first. I make sure that anyone I date knows that.

 

[MnGuy]

I'm sorry you are going through this. And I agree with others who say if he won't accept you and the birds as a unit, he's not the one for you.

However, can I share some thoughts that might not be popular? I have considered these issues myself, because I re-entered the dating world this year. I also lost a bird to old age, and considered whether I wanted a second bird again and how it would impact my life.

We hear it all of the time on this board -- parrots are not easy to live with. Yes, there are many of us who love it, but most people do not. And luckily for some of us, we find people willing to adapt/love it, too. At the same time, I don't think it's a stretch to think that perfectly decent people could start off disliking or grow to dislike living with a parrot, especially the bigger, louder ones. That is just something we have to accept and not blame those people for.

I was in the tail end of one long-term relationship when I adopted my Meyer's. She was not the cause of our breakup.

I was in another long-term relationship when I adopted my CAG. Neither parrot were the cause of that breakup.

I'm now in my mid/late 30s, and with two dogs and one CAG, I would not get another parrot (or dog or any other pet) because too many people my age on the dating scene have a pet or two or three (cat, dog, etc.) of their own. And this is a number that works for me.

I would never give up any of my pets for a partner unless they endangered my partner's life. But, I think if you are the type of person who wants to be with someone (perfectly fine if you aren't), I think it is reasonable and mandatory to consider the impact your pets could have on relationships/your future/your happiness/etc., especially large parrots.

I know dogs and cats can be as or more difficult than a parrot, but by and large, most are not. We hear that all the time on this board -- you want a kitten, not a parrot.

We cannot expect most people to understand the choice we made to live with a parrot; we can only hope they are open minded enough and like us enough to try empathizing and eventually, accept our choice.

However, we must accept that some people might immediately disqualify us because of our choice. I mean, 99% of people on dating sites (and likely quietly in real life) automatically disqualify others based on height, weight, eye color, hair color, "attractiveness," career, education, etc.

No, I don't feel that I'm compromising my life or dreams or hopes by minding my pet limit partly due to my current dating life. I think it's a good decision for me right now. I want to have space in my life and home for another person and their pet or pets, if that happens for me some day. I do not feel that I'm missing out by not having a second parrot.

Good luck.

 

[rocky'smom]

my Ex tried that with me, that why he is the EX .
I guess what started this was me taking Rocky with us on long haul truck run with him. Rocky was never fond of J-- to start with. Rocky would get mean when ever J-- was around. not mean to me but to J--. I didn't have a critter sitter and wanted to go with J--. long haul to WI, IL, IN, OH, PA, KY and then back thru those states to IN, IL, MI, WI and home to MN. Rock was very good boy the whole time, in his travel cage. He tolerated the stopping and going, he hated the traffic jams and would start squawking about it. J-- told me that from now on it was Rocky or him. See ya, don't let the door hit you in the tush as you leave, and don't look back, jack, cuz I will be looking forward NOT BACK!!!!! he has to worm his way back a couple times but I am happier now then when I was dealing him and that is all that matters.

 

[ceresbly]

I barely have the energy to write this. We were up last night late and I think we broke up, I don't know.
Here's more of the back story:
My second macaw, Scooby, I recently adopted in April. He thinks that we didn't make the decision as a couple And I brought Scooby home whether he liked it or not. This, I admit, is true. I was put up against a wall because another family wanted to adopt him and he was so fragile at the time and I didn't trust that family to care correctly for him because they had no experience. Scooby and I also had an instantaneous bond, he trusted me immediately. He was in a small aquarium store --the owners ideally wanted him as a store bird--- but Scooby wasn't having that. He bit everyone else and was hostile. I would visit him nearly daily there. I wasn't seeking out another macaw, it was almost like fate I found him. I just walked into that aquarium store with my boyfriend and the fates had their way. Maybe I have too much of a heart, and not a brain, I don't know.

My boyfriend said he could make one macaw work, he'd already gotten used to my first macaw, Bella, but two of them have been so taxing on him. When he comes home he's just exhausted and doesn't have the energy. He said he really just wants to try living apart, not breaking up, and I told him after living together this long that doesn't compute in my brain. That feels like a small separation leading to the inevitable ultimate separation.

I'm just sad today. I'm drained. The birds are going to my moms and if him and I break up I'll probably go to my moms as well until I can figure something out. She lives an hour away from where I work, I'd have to commute daily. But she works from home so she can be with them.

I realized it wasn't about money, it's about the birds. He's not asking me to choose, He said today he's going to think about what's best for both myself and him.

As I wait in limbo I pet my birds and wish i had the answers.

 

[Hankmacaw]

Why are you waiting in limbo? Like all breakups there is fault on both sides and you need to accept your mistakes. That guy needs to be out of there - you need to grow up and so does he.

See why most of us old folks discourage children from getting parrots? It's because the birds (just like the kids) are the ones who take it in the neck.

 

[finchly]

 

[MiniMacaw]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think hankmacaw hit it on the head though. I can't see staying around someone who is not only not enriched by my macaws, but quite the opposite. Sure some days are tiring but my macaws definitely give me more than they take. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh well.
And I wouldn't feel too guilty about bringing your second Mac home. He obviously chose you and with that comes a lot of responsibility. I brought home my pig after seeing three grown men hog tying him at only a few weeks old. I bought him right there and showed up at home with a baby pig in a box lol. My husband just looked at me, looked at the pig, looked back at me and shook his head lol. But you bet the next day my husband had a brought home a new blanket for the pig so he'd be warmer at night. Now he's a four year old couple hundred pound porker that graces our little urban farm space.

 

[Clueless]

Why does he need energy? Does he clean up after the birds?

We aren't there so we don't know the tone he used while you both talked. Most of us have walked in your shoes and know that relationships take a lot of work and effort.

Just remember, while we're here to listen to you and not judge......we're in this for the birds and will often take the parrots' side of things.

How do they feel about mom?

 

[camelotshadow]

Birds now...next time who knows what the next tantrum will be about.
He has to grow up. Frankly if it wasn;t the birds ow I think it would be something sooner or later.
I think you should be grateful you know now rather than risk having a child with him & dealing with that the rest of your life. That would really make him tired or he'd just leave you too.

You made a decision to give a home to a bird in need & there was a mutual bond.
Understandably you are very vulnerable now & manipulated into thinking your birds caused this.
Maybe they did in part but they showed you the loyalty of this man is too himself & he just wants to be with you
when its easy.

You will look at this in years to come & wonder why you spent time beating yourself up about this & retreating from life & your birds which love you unconditionally...

 

[tka]

Some people just aren't animal people. I don't think disparaging the OP's (ex?) boyfriend is helpful - he might just be one of those people who doesn't like having animals around (alien as it seems to all of us here!). My ex wasn't an animal person, and that was one of the factors in our breakup - I couldn't envision a life without animals, she saw them as unnecessary demands on her time and attention. It doesn't mean that she's a bad person or childish or selfish - just that when it came to it, we had deeply and fundamentally incompatible ideas about what we wanted our lives to look like, and staying with each other would mean that one of us would make some huge, miserable sacrifice. We're both much happier now that we don't have that decision looming over us, and are actually pretty good friends.

OP, sometimes people do force you to choose between them and your birds. Ultimately you know your birds and your relationship much better than we do. It's worth having a careful think about what you want from your relationships and, more broadly, what you want your life to look like. Is the person demanding that you give up something you love and which brings you joy and love worth it?

 

[DQTimnehs]

I agree, it isn't just about the birds. I would never give up my birds because someone asked me to. Someone who would ask you to give up a bird or animal you love, does not really love you as they would never ask that of you. And like others have said, it would just be something else the next time and he would be gone anyway, so you would have given them up needlessly.

I too, would look for an animal friendly roommate. I would not specify "bird friendly" as people who don't know birds, don't know they could love birds until they get to know them. Animal people are usually open to getting to know birds though and usually like them. It may be a bit harder to find a bf who is open to the bird life, but not that hard. You are young, bright and beautiful and you will find someone who loves you and the birds.

My bf was not familiar with birds at all but he didn't have a choice. Itsy chose him as hers and is on him every chance she gets. And Darwin frequents his shoulder quite a bit too. My bf will sing with me to Quack to get her to dance or swing. And last night he caught himself singing to Itsy.

 

[Macawnutz]

Men, just like macaws, just need to grow up. Unfortunately they take longer than us girls.

Tell him to take all the time he needs... and don't call him.

 

[rocky'smom]

He said today he's going to think about what's best for both myself and him.

for some reason this really bothers me, why is this his decision for the two of you. you are capable enough to make your own decisions and he needs a serious case of grow up, act age not the number eyelets in your shoes. I think the decision has been made by him already no matter how much thinking he says he has to do. tell him to take his stuff out the door and don't bother to call you again. look forward not back, except to find the mistakes and correct them.