I feel like a failure and need some advice

[rickythebi]

This is a long thread, I’m sorry.

I’m not sure how much detail you guys would like (and I’m probably giving way too much detail), but I think I really need someone else's perspective on this situation and what would be best for my bird as I truly love him with my entire being. I currently have a 7 year old lesser sulfur crested cockatoo named Ricky. But he is not happy and he does not enjoy this life he has that I have given him or will be able to give him for the next few years. For backstory, Ricky was purchased from a bird store at around 1 years old (didn’t have his hatch date). If I knew what I know now about these stores and what they promote I would have never bought him. Especially that I was totally unprepared for the things that would happen in my future and utterly failed to factor Ricky into the equation and I fully take the blame for this.

At the time I was only around 16 years old and my mom had been diagnosed with Huntington’s Disease the year before. In what I feel was guilt, my dad bought the first pet that I really truly wanted since that situation. We already had a green cheek conure and a budgie and this lesser sulfur crested cockatoo at the pet store had bonded with my family and I over multiple trips. I really wish someone at the pet store had realized what an idiot I was and told us, but of course all they see is the money. I am the most angry at myself, if I could I would go back in time and beat myself up for not thinking about his future. Pretty soon I graduated from high school and went to college. My family took care of Ricky and really enjoyed his presence and I would always come back on weekends and over summer, winter, and spring breaks to spend time with him.

However, he started to display behavioral issues. He started to refuse to step up around 4 years ago and has refused every attempt to get him on our hands despite how tempting the treat is. As of now, he is restricted to only his cage (top play area + his toys inside) and where he feels safe climbing down from his cage and walking on the floor because of our inability to handle him. We have worked with him on this and compromise by placing his toys and foraging activities on the top of his cage, as well as his favorite spots to play on the floor.

He began plucking in bursts (where he would start plucking and then stop and become fully feathered) around 3 years ago and his vet says that he most likely will do this for the rest of his life. While he hasn’t been extremely bonded with anyone in the house (he tends to equally enjoy everyone else), he does seem to prefer my mom and has become agitated around her and overprotective when anyone gets near her in the recent year.

Right now, I have graduated college and I am currently working and living in a condo with roommates as it’s what I can afford right now. My living situation is not ideal for Ricky (or even me, my landlady's son is living in the garage and he is temperamental). Ricky is currently living at our main house while my mom cares for him.

Unfortunately, my mom’s mental health has begun to decline due to her disease. She has filed for divorce from my dad and so my dad has had to leave the house and is living in a condo with my other siblings and the other birds. My family is very disjointed and I’m beginning to fear Ricky is stuck in the middle. He has begun to pluck again (he was completely feathered before) and seems unhappy with all that is happening.

My future plan is to go to grad school, but I feel so much guilt thinking about Ricky’s future. While my dad has professed his ability to care for Ricky while I’m in grad school, I fear what might happen if my mom’s mental and physical state gets worse as we will have to figure out her long term care. I feel like it’s cruel of me to expect him to be happy and content with me taking him to a small condo or apartment or even whatever I could afford after grad school. He would only be given attention in the afternoon as I would need to work long hours for years before I could be financially stable enough to stay longer at home with him. He would also be all alone as the other birds are my sister’s. While I know some cockatoos can deal with this, Ricky still has plucking and anxiety with a steady amount of attention most of the day. I have been only thinking how sad he may get with the little amount of attention I will be able to give him. I feel so selfish believing that he would be happy with the future I have in front of me and I truly just want what is best for him. At the same time, I feel like I have failed him because I thought I could deal with all of this and I’m just giving up on him. I did bring him briefly up to my condo for a week, but I quickly had to bring him back home because my anxiety got so bad worrying over him. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health (dealing with my mom’s painful and inevitable death is weighing heavily on my entire family). And just thinking about caring for Ricky and trying to establish my career throughout all of this is driving me close to the edge.

I know this may seem like a lot and I feel like a villain, I just feel very lost right now in this situation and I think I really need some help. I have a bird rescue very close to where I live that I can contact (Free Flight Bird Sanctuary in Del Mar, California) and I am fully willing to work for months to find him a good home if the sanctuary can not take him. My family is completely willing to continue to pay for his care at the sanctuary (they require relinquishment fees) and any vet costs. I just want Ricky to be happy and have a more stable future than what is currently in front of him. What do you guys think is more cruel? Giving him to the rescue in hopes that he can find a stable home to live at or I take him after grad school (or even now) and we are both unhappy? I feel like a monster just for having the idea of rehoming him. Please help.

 

[Shezbug]

I am so sorry for the situation you are dealing with now, it must be tough for all involved.
I will tag a few people who might be able to offer you some ideas to help.

@JLcribber @Monica @cassiesdad @sunnysmom

 

[sunnysmom]

My phone is almost dead and I don't have my charger with me. I will respond in the morning.

 

[rickythebi]

Thank you for the reply! I will check again in the morning.

 

[Birdbabe]

John?? @JLcribber

 

[JLcribber]

Start looking for a new competent home for him. You said you would do whatever it takes. It is going to take a while to find that person/place so start looking today. That is the best solution.

 

[cassiesdad]

I'll be responding sometime this morning....don't worry,we're coming!

 

[cassiesdad]

Start looking for a new competent home for him. You said you would do whatever it takes. It is going to take a while to find that person/place so start looking today. That is the best solution.

I agree with John. It is the best thing for Ricky that you can do.
I could tell you about my situation with Cassie (LSC) that has some similarities to Ricky and you,but are really not compatible.
For all concerned, give Ricky a second chance ...and you'll being doing that by finding him a new place to live...Good Luck to you and Ricky...

 

[sunnysmom]

First, don't beat yourself up. You sound like a very mature, responsible person who loves your bird. Cockatoos are challenges under the best situations. The one thing I have found, at least with my 'too, is that he needs structure and routine. Things that you are unable to provide right now. Also, they feed off of our emotions. If you are anxious, it's going to make him anxious. And as you know, 'toos need lots of mental stimulation. They are smart birds. If your father was willing/able to provide those things for Ricky, that would be an option but it sounds like he has his hands full too. Second, there is no shame in rehoming a bird if it's the best thing for the bird. And in this case, it sounds like perhaps that is the best thing. I would check out any rescue very carefully though. There are good rescues and not so good rescues, just like with anything. Some rescues even have a "home" adoption program where the bird stays in his home and the rescue tries to find an adopter. I would look at what the adoption requirements are for the rescue to make sure they are vetting any potential adopters. Also, don't rush to make any decisions one way or another and have a serious talk with your dad about it. Perhaps the two of you could make it work together for Ricky, but I think it would have to be "structured" schedule set up between the two of you, and I understand that might not be possible. If you do decide to keep him, we can offer suggestions for him. However, again, it's okay if you decide to rehome. I help with a rescue. Our birds are very loved and cared for while they're waiting for their new homes.

 

[tka]

Agreed with @sunnysmom - you sound like a responsible person to be able to look at Ricky's situation and realise that he is currently not getting what he needs. I don't have 'toos so can't advise on that, but I do have a PhD, am a lecturer (equivalent to an assistant/associate professor) and supervise PhD students.

What you decide to do depends on whether you're going to grad school for a Masters degree or a PhD - a MA/MSc will be a shorter course while a PhD will take years. You may be able to work out something with your dad about caring for Ricky if you're doing a Masters degree (which would be 1-2 years depending on the country) but (again depending on the country) a PhD can take anything between 4 and 8 years. US PhDs tend to be on the longer end of that; I don't know enough about Canadian, Australian or other countries' systems to comment on them.

It also depends on what you plan to do after getting a postgraduate degree. If you are getting a PhD and hope to enter academia, please be aware that the job market is incredibly tough in most fields and in most countries. There are more candidates than there are jobs, and most people find that they have to adjunct and/or take short term positions rather than move straight into a permanent position. Getting a permanent position is by no means guaranteed. I was lucky enough to get a permanent position but it took several years of teaching all over the place while I built my teaching and research profile, published and so on. I spent a lot of time travelling between where I lived and where I taught, often sleeping on friends' sofas and spare beds the night before teaching, and often having to leave early and get home late. It was incompatible with most pets but especially ones that thrive on company and interaction.

I did my postgraduate work in the UK (an MA and a PhD) and my partner is doing a PhD in the US. I didn't have birds then, and I simply wouldn't have been able to provide for a large, demanding bird while I was doing a PhD. Between having very little money, having unpredictable work patterns, a busy schedule and my mental health going to pieces, it was barely a good environment for me, let alone one that would have been stable and nurturing enough for a sensitive cockatoo. The time immediately after getting my doctorate was unstable and unpredictable, and again very difficult in terms of finances. It would have been incredibly hard on a bird.

 

[rickythebi]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I am starting to agree that it may be best to give Ricky the second chance he deserves. He is such a special bird and loves every stranger that he has met (he will run up and greet any new person in the house) that I know he will capture someone elses heart as he has my family’s hearts. I think I will struggle a lot with letting him go but it’s what he needs and not what I need. I think my next step moving forward is to sit down and have a long, serious talk with my dad this next weekend not just about Ricky but about my mom’s future and all of our future plans. My mom is stable enough to care for Ricky right now and I will continuously monitor her for any signs of her disease worsening but she is competent for now. My dad is having to take on another job to support the divorce costs so I think his promise of keeping Ricky might not be thinking things through (he loves Ricky a lot too). I think since Ricky is most bonded to my mom, I feel guilty taking him away from her. But it might also be the better option for him so that he is not exposed to her slowly degrading both physically and mentally. I kind’ve am wishing I could re home myself too...

If anything happens I will take Ricky to my condo and care for him there. At this point, I am planning multiple months to a year (if need be) of figuring out Ricky’s situation and finding him the best solution. In the meantime, I think I will spend the next month thinking about this and contacting more people. I will probably reach out to the rescue who seem very competent. They have pretty strict adoption rules and I have visited this place many times before and it’s a lovely outdoor aviary. I will probably reach out to the other sanctuary’s nearby and get their opinions as well as their own situation. I am willing to drive to wherever I need to find him his best fit, even if that means across the country. I do have a friend of a friend who is in her mid-thirties with a stable job and fiance, owns a home, and already owns an Amazon. She might be someone I will get in contact with that might be a suitable and stable home. Although, I would prefer someone who has cockatoo experience or already has one. We will see, more things to think on. Do you guys think it’s also viable to reach out to our avian vet and see if he knows anyone?

If there is other advice you guys believe would be helpful please feel free to tell me!

 

[sunnysmom]

Yes, I think an avian vet may be able to help too. I believe that's how @Hankmacaw found her current bird? Ricky sounds like a lovely bird and I wish you were closer because I know the rescue I volunteer with could help. Again, take some time to think about everything. And just an fyi, all my birds came to me from other homes/rescue. I love them with all my heart. I know a new home sounds scary. I have fostered birds and have had anxiety just over my fosters leaving but they have all ended up in good places. A good rescue will help with finding a bird that right home and should have a policy that if things don't work out for whatever reason, the rescue takes the bird back.

 

[cassiesdad]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I am starting to agree that it may be best to give Ricky the second chance he deserves. He is such a special bird and loves every stranger that he has met (he will run up and greet any new person in the house) that I know he will capture someone elses heart as he has my family’s hearts. I think I will struggle a lot with letting him go but it’s what he needs and not what I need. I think my next step moving forward is to sit down and have a long, serious talk with my dad this next weekend not just about Ricky but about my mom’s future and all of our future plans. My mom is stable enough to care for Ricky right now and I will continuously monitor her for any signs of her disease worsening but she is competent for now. My dad is having to take on another job to support the divorce costs so I think his promise of keeping Ricky might not be thinking things through (he loves Ricky a lot too). I think since Ricky is most bonded to my mom, I feel guilty taking him away from her. But it might also be the better option for him so that he is not exposed to her slowly degrading both physically and mentally. I kind’ve am wishing I could re home myself too...

If anything happens I will take Ricky to my condo and care for him there. At this point, I am planning multiple months to a year (if need be) of figuring out Ricky’s situation and finding him the best solution. In the meantime, I think I will spend the next month thinking about this and contacting more people. I will probably reach out to the rescue who seem very competent. They have pretty strict adoption rules and I have visited this place many times before and it’s a lovely outdoor aviary. I will probably reach out to the other sanctuary’s nearby and get their opinions as well as their own situation. I am willing to drive to wherever I need to find him his best fit, even if that means across the country. I do have a friend of a friend who is in her mid-thirties with a stable job and fiance, owns a home, and already owns an Amazon. She might be someone I will get in contact with that might be a suitable and stable home. Although, I would prefer someone who has cockatoo experience or already has one. We will see, more things to think on. Do you guys think it’s also viable to reach out to our avian vet and see if he knows anyone?

If there is other advice you guys believe would be helpful please feel free to tell me!

You're definitely on the right track! Please continue giving us updates on everything....

 

[rickythebi]

Is it okay if I post updates to this thread? If everyone wants to know Ricky’s timeline and such. I will probably keep asking for advice as things go on too, if that’s okay. Thank you all again

 

[cassiesdad]

I'd start a new thread....new possibilities deserve a new thread....

 

[MnGuy]

I'm sorry your family is going through a difficult time. Everyone has given great advice. I'd add that it may also help you to speak with a therapist regularly about the events in your life and your mental health.

Good luck.

 

[camelotshadow]

Better to start a Ricky Progress update thread in another forum/somewhere else as the Rehome section needs approval from mods.
It slows down questions & answers. Takes time from admin which might not be necessary.

Good Luck on your Road to finding whats best for Ricky.

 

[sunnysmom]

Is it okay if I post updates to this thread? If everyone wants to know Ricky’s timeline and such. I will probably keep asking for advice as things go on too, if that’s okay. Thank you all again

Sure. I think we'd all like to know how you and Ricky are doing.

 

[tka]

Of course - we'd like to know how you're getting on. There is a lot of experience here for you to draw on, and we all want to help you make the best decisions for your family.

 

[tjc]

For a college student, you seem more mature than some adults I know. I want you to know how much I admire you for caring this much about Ricky. As an RN, I understand how emotionally taxing Hunting’s can be on a family. Please take care of yourself during this process. I’ll send up prayers for you and your family.