Helping my grey through the death of her person

[leslieg]

Do you have any suggestions for helping my African grey deal with the death of her chosen person? It's been a long hard few years as his condition deteriorated, but then he passed quite suddenly of a heart attack in December. She was in the room when he fell, and while where the EMTs tried to revive him, and of course, I (her caretaker) haven't been exactly stable since it occurred. She began plucking occasionally, mildly, a few years ago when his condition deteriorated. In the past 2 weeks her plucking has grown worse.

I'm trying to get in a better place myself to help her. Mostly I am.

When he first passed, she huddled in a corner and didn't move for a day. Then she gradually came down and out to her playstand and has gradually resumed her normal activities. Well, as normal as they can be without my husband. She used to chatter with him all day. I'm trying to fill his role as much as I can. Hopefully she'll warm up to me. Do you think the plucking will stop once I'm in a more stable place?

I'm providing enrichment (toys and birdie burritos of rolled paper with treats tucked inside, which she'll work on all day). And we do talk some. It's hard to be cheerful, but I manage it sometimes, and I'm trying to be encouraging.

I'm going to have to wrestle her into the shower for a bath to help the plucking, and I'm concerned because that won't help her trust me. I didn't mind being the bad guy when my husband was here - he was her chosen person and she was happy to bite me if I got in reach no matter what I did. But now I'm all she has, so I hate to be the bad guy. But she needs that bath. She will happily bathe in a dish, but barely wets the front of herself, so a shower is needed. She freaks out when I use a spray bottle. So the shower has been the best option.

Do you have any suggestions to help her? With, well, anything.

 

[Bunchobird]

I wouldn't force a bath.

 

[leslieg]

I wouldn't force a bath.

Please, can you explain why not? I'm not arguing, I just want to understand. I thought baths would help her feathers feel better, and that baths were so essential. I'm afraid she hasn't had many baths this past year, everything sort of fell apart.

 

[Toy]

First sorry for your loss.

Talk to her. Explain everything. CAG's are super intelligent, but they also need to know "what, why, how, etc.". They tend to be on the defensive at all times. Take things slow, as they don't like fast movements. Most do not like being touched or handled much. So if you can get her to step up take her for walks thru the house, explaining & talking to her as you go. Let her set on the arm of your chair, kitchen counter, etc. Sing, dance & act silly. Parrots love silly.

As for the shower....Sometimes you have no choice but to give them a good shower. Their feathers get dirty & then they can't zip them. They are "powder" birds, so the old powder builds up & needs washed off. I use a table perch that I set in the tub & use a handheld shower. Jengo (our CAG) likes the water to be room temp or on the cool side. I'm disabled & she bites my husband, so she gets wrapped in a towel for the trip to & from the tub. If need be carry her to the tub wrapped in a towel & place her on the perch. Tell her it's time for a good shower. Try to lift wings & rinse well underneath. Under tails feathers, chest, neck, etc. Make upbeat happy sounds, sing, laugh, etc. This can sort of let them know a shower is a good fun thing. Offer a reward once back to her cage.

 

[leslieg]

Thank you.

 

[LovieLouie]

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you both can get to a better place together <3

 

[Parutti]

I'm sorry for your loss. What a difficult time this must be for both of you.

I also was thinking along the lines of grieving **with** her - talking to her, sharing your worries. She probably can see it all in your body language anyway and if you're trying to put on a cheerful face only for her, she probably knows. If it helps you to do it, then of course do that, but if it feels awkward, I'm sure you could just talk to her about how you feel. She likely feels the same way.

I've never had a grey, but my hunch is that as you find a new routine things will improve. You could almost start over with building a new relationship, offering treats, sitting together in the evening watching TV or having tea or whatever you find relaxing, eating your meals with her. I think it's amazing that she's working on the toys you've made, and I think you're right that as you both start to heal and find your footing, she'll get better too.

 

[Tyrion]

So sorry for your loss ... My grey hates water but a good shower is good for them I would try to get her use to a spray bottle and when doing it say yea good sing and be silly ..I would tell her everything you can think of for her understanding ..treats lots of treats and be patient with her ..my grey likes it when I explain things to him and we have gotten a few silly songs we sing I always talk to him like a person and he likes that ..where is her cage ..could you move it to a better area where you are most of the time so she knows she isnt alone ... what are you feeding her ...a good diet can help with plucking as well as lots of attention and play things ...There are also dried teas that can be given for plucking from Avian Tea Plucking Calm | Www.AvianTea.com ..I would try this tea and see how it goes most of these teas can be given dry or made into a tea for drinking ... You can show her how to drink or eat the tea by doing it yourself first

 

[leslieg]

Tyrion,

Thank you for the suggestions.

I'll try the tea. She hates the spray bottle, worse than the shower.

I do keep her in the room with me. Her cage is in the bedroom at night, and her playstand is in the room where I work.

I'll also try to explain what's happening and how I'm feeling. I did explain that he'd passed away. She knows what that means - we've lost dogs through the years - and she doesn't call for him any more, so if nothing else she knows he's not here. She understands a surprising amount. She astonished me and my husband on a regular basis.

 

[leslieg]

I'm sorry for your loss. What a difficult time this must be for both of you.

I also was thinking along the lines of grieving **with** her - talking to her, sharing your worries. She probably can see it all in your body language anyway and if you're trying to put on a cheerful face only for her, she probably knows. If it helps you to do it, then of course do that, but if it feels awkward, I'm sure you could just talk to her about how you feel. She likely feels the same way.

I've never had a grey, but my hunch is that as you find a new routine things will improve. You could almost start over with building a new relationship, offering treats, sitting together in the evening watching TV or having tea or whatever you find relaxing, eating your meals with her. I think it's amazing that she's working on the toys you've made, and I think you're right that as you both start to heal and find your footing, she'll get better too.

Thank you. This makes sense.

It is kind of like building a new relationship. Our relationship will hopefully change to the point where she accepts me as her person.

 

[Shannan]

My gray hated baths so what I would do is take him into the bathroom and then steam up the room by turning on the hot water in the shower. He would fluff up in the steam. I would then run some warm water in the sink and then get my fingers wet. Walter would allow me give him skritches. I would dribble warm water over him just a little at a time. It isn't the best bath but it was better than nothing. Even with his limited bathing, he still maintained good feathers. The other option if your gray really really needs a bath is to ask your vets office if they would consider giving the bath.... then they are the bad guys. (and who knows maybe the plucking is more than just grieving). I can't imagine how hard this is for both of you. Be patient with yourself.

 

[zoo mom]

I am so sorry for your loss. You have received a lot of good advice. Just be patient and grieve with her. And it might be a good idea to see a grief counselor. This will help you with the loss which will in turn allow you to help her.

 

[macawpower58]

I wonder how you use the spray bottle?
Your best bet is to get a garden mister, one that you can pump up and it sprays for a while.
You then stand a distance away, far enough not be a threat.
Spray straight up into the air.
The water should fall like rain in a soft mist.
Most birds will tolerate that.

Give it a try. Bathing is very important for feather health, though I doubt it will stop the plucking.
The feathers left though, will look so much better!

I am sorry for your loss. Like people birds take time to adjust to loss.
You being the constant, will help more than you realize.
Things will get better, you may though always have a feather challenged bird.

By the way, is that pup a Mal or Terv?

 

[Emma&pico]

I am so sorry for your loss take your time you both need to grieve massive hugs none of this can be easy and I am so sorry you have been through all this

 

[Pixiebeak]

Hello.
Im so sorry for your loss . It is so moving that in you grief you want to help your other family member and honor the love they shared.

I've shared before how I have looked on my grief. To me its like it's starts as a deep plunging waterfall, then crashes through rapids bouncing off jagged rocks, then running deep and fast...before spreading out into a wide marsh that stretches as far as you can see...with tricky patches that mire you down unexpectedly...but with little spots of beauty , little bends with reflecting pools to share spots if happier memories...then moving on to less overwhelming stream again but with switch backs that catch you unaware....then a steady straight quiet moving always beside you but not intrusive....you see in the distance it joins the life ocean becoming a small part of everything. Im still stuck at the point my grief joins the ocean of life. But I can look back and see how far Ive come.

I've read up on parrot grief. As my gcc Ta-dah was devastated to loose her friend Burt The Burd. It was shared thst parrot grief seems to last 3-6 months. From my experience that seems to hold true.

As far as plucking, baths probably won't change that. It's a very complex issue. Dont let it upset you , just accept it. Don't pay attention to the behavior at all. They become addicted to the endorphins the self soothing and stress relief...it can be nearly impossible to change this behavior. It does not mean they are unhappy there is no shame .

My Oenny plucks a ring around her neck . I thought moving to my home and better diet and life and burd friends and out if cage 8 hrs a day flight toys ect might change that. But in 5 years she has never stopped.

My first vet consultation we covered this . She said unless uts a health issue, she has seen less than 5% turn around in all her years in practice. But here are the suggestions she shared with me. 6 hours out of cage time daily as minimum, trying for 15 min ( or more) taking cage outside very secured including bottom trays food doors ect or in travel cage daily. Being outside is very beneficial to mood. Ive only succeed in a half hour every other week or so . A great diet with a lot of veggies. Foraging. Lots of toys chew stuff that is easy for them to destroy. Provide as much chance to do self directed behavior and movement. Free choice bath. I provide a large sturdy casserole dish with fresh water every day. Letting them know when you are leaving the home and when you are back .

 

[leslieg]

I wonder how you use the spray bottle?
Your best bet is to get a garden mister, one that you can pump up and it sprays for a while.
You then stand a distance away, far enough not be a threat.
Spray straight up into the air.
The water should fall like rain in a soft mist.
Most birds will tolerate that.

Give it a try. Bathing is very important for feather health, though I doubt it will stop the plucking.
The feathers left though, will look so much better!

I am sorry for your loss. Like people birds take time to adjust to loss.
You being the constant, will help more than you realize.
Things will get better, you may though always have a feather challenged bird.

By the way, is that pup a Mal or Terv?

Neither, actually. She's a young (in that picture) Shiloh shepherd. Very sweet girl, looks like a large long-haired German shepherd but much less drive, more a family dog than a working dog.

When I tried with the spray bottle before, I squirted her with the bottle. I'll get a garden mister and try raining it down, as you suggested. Thank you.

 

[leslieg]

Hello.
I'm so sorry for your loss . It is so moving that in you grief you want to help your other family member and honor the love they shared.

I've shared before how I have looked on my grief. To me its like it's starts as a deep plunging waterfall, then crashes through rapids bouncing off jagged rocks, then running deep and fast...before spreading out into a wide marsh that stretches as far as you can see...with tricky patches that mire you down unexpectedly...but with little spots of beauty , little bends with reflecting pools to share spots if happier memories...then moving on to less overwhelming stream again but with switch backs that catch you unaware....then a steady straight quiet moving always beside you but not intrusive....you see in the distance it joins the life ocean becoming a small part of everything. Im still stuck at the point my grief joins the ocean of life. But I can look back and see how far Ive come.

I've read up on parrot grief. As my gcc Ta-dah was devastated to loose her friend Burt The Burd. It was shared thst parrot grief seems to last 3-6 months. From my experience that seems to hold true.

As far as plucking, baths probably won't change that. It's a very complex issue. Dont let it upset you , just accept it. Don't pay attention to the behavior at all. They become addicted to the endorphins the self soothing and stress relief...it can be nearly impossible to change this behavior. It does not mean they are unhappy there is no shame .

My Oenny plucks a ring around her neck . I thought moving to my home and better diet and life and burd friends and out if cage 8 hrs a day flight toys ect might change that. But in 5 years she has never stopped.

My first vet consultation we covered this . She said unless uts a health issue, she has seen less than 5% turn around in all her years in practice. But here are the suggestions she shared with me. 6 hours out of cage time daily as minimum, trying for 15 min ( or more) taking cage outside very secured including bottom trays food doors ect or in travel cage daily. Being outside is very beneficial to mood. Ive only succeed in a half hour every other week or so . A great diet with a lot of veggies. Foraging. Lots of toys chew stuff that is easy for them to destroy. Provide as much chance to do self directed behavior and movement. Free choice bath. I provide a large sturdy casserole dish with fresh water every day. Letting them know when you are leaving the home and when you are back .

Thank you for the understanding and the advice. I haven't been online for a while, so I wasn't familiar with your loss. I'm sorry for your loss.

I ordered the plucker's tea that Tyrion suggested. I'm also in the process of scheduling a vet visit (I left a message to call me back to schedule the appointment) just to be certain the plucking isn't a medical issue that's been exacerbated by grief and the stress of his illness. I'll also have to read up on plucking and parrot grief.

Willow and my husband had a great relationship. She was supposed to be my bird, but she chose him instead - I couldn't blame her. And in fact, I got a lot of joy from their relationship and found I preferred it that way, especially as his illness progressed, because their love was a beautiful thing. They chatted so much, back and forth. Willow often speaks in context, in full grammatically correct sentences that amazed us both, in sentences she definitely didn't get from us. She was a source of fun and laughter, even in the end. On his next-to-last day, my husband told her, "I love you, Willow" and she replied saucily, "I know." (Which isn't how we've ever responded to "I love you.") A little while later, my husband called one of the chihuahuas, who came running and leapt up to his lap for some love. Willow cheered, "Good girl, good girl!" My husband replied, "No, Willow, Bodi is a boy." Willow replied, "I'm so mixed up." (Those were her exact words. I'd like to hear the scientists explain that one as parroting.) She called my husband and all of our dogs and cat by name, but she has never said my name, probably because I'm the other woman. I hope that in time she'll decide to accept me. I've always been her caretaker and we get along okay as long as I stay out of reach of her beak.

I appreciate the information you shared.

 

[Clueless]

When I tried with the spray bottle before, I squirted her with the bottle. I'll get a garden mister and try raining it down, as you suggested. Thank you.

My amazon that passed away loved baths. Secret? Not so much.

I use a regular empty spray bottle from Walmart. (I read somewhere to wash the plastic bottles carefully and thoroughly first).

I get the shower running with tepid water (sound more than anything), put a heavy shallow crock bowl of tepid water in the floor of the shower (not directly under that running shower)and put Secret on the edge of the bowl. If she wants a bath, she immediately steps in to the bowl. That's good for her feet! I then mist from the spray bottle far above Secret.

By the way Secret prefers 2:30 pm for a bath. She's trained me well. Sigh.

Oh.... and I sing during the transfer to the bathroom, "bath time for baby, bath time for baby, bath time for.... the baby that's you. "

Note that I TRY to do this when family is not around. We are "bird people" here but we know that non-bird folks wonder if they need to commit us at times.

 

[Snowghost]

I wonder how you use the spray bottle?
Your best bet is to get a garden mister, one that you can pump up and it sprays for a while.
You then stand a distance away, far enough not be a threat.
Spray straight up into the air.
The water should fall like rain in a soft mist.
Most birds will tolerate that.

Give it a try. Bathing is very important for feather health, though I doubt it will stop the plucking.
The feathers left though, will look so much better!

I am sorry for your loss. Like people birds take time to adjust to loss.
You being the constant, will help more than you realize.
Things will get better, you may though always have a feather challenged bird.

By the way, is that pup a Mal or Terv?

You beat me to it. Paco didn't like the squirt bottle either, however he did like it when I stood at a distance and would spray it up in the air and let it fall on him like mist onto him. Don't laugh, but I would put on the song, "I'm your Boogie Man, by KC and the Sunshine Band and we would dance with it. Greys do pick up on our emotions and when we are excited and happy they will be too.

 

[Snowghost]

I'm sorry for your loss of your husband. Paco was terrified when he first came to live with me and didn't flip a feather the first few days. They don't like change. He was probably missing his previous owner he was with for 11 years. I started a routine with him right away. I moved slowly and spoke softly. Telling him every thing I did. Good morning, lets open the curtain, breakfast, want to come out and eat? I would tap his stainless steel bowl so it would make a tinging sound and say breakfast, make it fun. Let's get cleaned up, and change his paper, fresh water, fresh seed, fresh nutri berries, lets feed the fish, (I have a tank in my room) Laundry, toss dirty clothes in hamper, clean the cage, vacuum, he would chirp at it, I said bye bye when I left, momma's home when I walked in the door, let him out, play music, clean his cage. Supper, ting the bowl, clean his cage, night night, close his door, turn off the light, one, two three. Going to make my bed, read a book, read 10 minutes, night night, Is Paco going to swing? He would swing upside down and then settle down and preen. Tap my touch lamp, 1, 2, 3 night night. I did this every day and every night for the 4 years I had him. It took almost a year to get him used to eat. He never had fresh veggies, took me six months for him to eat peas, that was fun, me cover in peas, one time he squirted one and it was all over my glasses. Take your time, be calm, happy and he will be his old self again. He passed a month ago and I miss him terribly, the routine of taking care of him. They are intelligent and wonderful companions. I hope this helps.