My husband HATES my bird

[Ziggymon]

Where is the idea coming from that Tegan has a screaming problem that needs modification?

 

[Bokkapooh]

I think this isn't just about the bird though. But a control thing. The OP also mentioned that he goes on about the cat and its ruining His couch.

I think before we can give more advice or suggestion or even our own thoughts, the OP will need to come in and answer a few questions.

Has she talked to him before about all of this in a civil manner without fighting or not during a fight? I believe she mentioned being married for s few years. Has there really been no communication and no compromise this whole time?

I think most of us believe marriage is about compromise and communication which is why many commented the way they did assuming communication and compromises have already happened with issues still happening.

 

[Greycloud]

I think you may want to go back and reread the OP's original post.

Where is the idea coming from that Tegan has a screaming problem that needs modification?

 

[Laurul Feather Cat]

First of all, your husband does meet the criteria as an abusive spouse just for his mental and emotional abuse toward you. My question is what has changed either in his life or the relationship that has created such a huge change in him that he has become abusive to you? Or, has he always been passive/aggressive abusive and you did not notice? When you say "He doesn't mean it" the things he says, that is a therapists heads-up telling them they are working with an abused spouse.

You do need to tell him how much his change in attitude makes you unhappy. I think you also need to see a therapist yourself and/or see a marriage counsellor. If you want to nip this negative emotional problem in the bud, you need to see someone now.

I am of two opinions about rehoming your bird. If he is being controlling and possessive like a lot of abusive spouses, it will not stop with the bird. Next will be the cat or the other pets until he has the house exactly as HE wants it. You said he does not agree with your love of pets and only wants the dog around. You can bet he will badger you until he has rid you of every pet other than the dog. But if you feel there is the least danger he would physically harm your conure, find a foster home or rehome him asap. And, if he does hurt any of your animals, not the least your bird, get the heck out of the home because you are next.

So the question is, is your husband's increased inability to put up with your pets due to something that has changed in his life and caused a change in his mental health, or is he actually an abusive personality in sheep's clothing? Your best way of finding out is with talking with him, telling him how upset you are about his abuse of the bird and that is is also abusing you verbally. Watch how he reacts. Suggest marriage counselling and again see his reaction. These things will tell you a lot about his mental state.

Just keep yourself safe and your pets, of course. I don't agree with writing off your husband right away. Find out what has changed, why he is so rabid about the bird and the cat. Communicate with him. Good luck.

 

[Ziggymon]

I think you may want to go back and reread the OP's original post.

I did, before I posted my question. She said that her husband had been woken from a nap when Tegan screamed. That doesn't sound like excessive screaming, just a one off incident. Any of my guys might vocalize, loudly, for any number of reasons, and if the nap was in the late afternoon - well, that can be a loud time in any parrot household.

What the opening post emphasized was that the husband hates everything about the bird.

 

[Ziggymon]

I think this isn't just about the bird though. But a control thing. The OP also mentioned that he goes on about the cat and its ruining His couch.

I think before we can give more advice or suggestion or even our own thoughts, the OP will need to come in and answer a few questions.

Has she talked to him before about all of this in a civil manner without fighting or not during a fight? I believe she mentioned being married for s few years. Has there really been no communication and no compromise this whole time?

I think most of us believe marriage is about compromise and communication which is why many commented the way they did assuming communication and compromises have already happened with issues still happening.

Agreed - this has been going on for two years.

I bolded the "his" because that also struck me, that he referred to the couch in the first person simgular possessive. My ex husband did this - all possessions/benefits, he referred to as "my" - for instance, he would say "my house" - all obligations/problems he prefaced with "your." Nothing was "our."

 

[itzmered]

I think before people give drastic advice of the OP leaving their husband and labeling the husband as abusive everyone needs to step back and remember that we are only hearing a little snippet of the story. I think it is awfully harsh for everyone to judge this person and their situation based off a couple of sentences that you seem to think sums up their lives

 

[juliashmulia]

I'm posting this without reading anyone else's replies, so I apologize if I'm just echoing what's already been said a dozen times.

I'm an optimist when it comes to love. Call me a romantic, but I think couples can get through anything if they try. However, while I don't want to urge you to divorce your husband, I do think there are circumstances where an ultimatum is called for. This is obviously just my opinion, but in my relationship, our animals are our children. I love my children with all my heart and it is my proud responsibility to care for them, protect them, defend them. If anyone was "mean" to them, I'd have a lot to say and do about it. It's complicated, because you don't just throw away marriages and long-term relationships, but honestly, if he doesn't respect your birds, he doesn't respect you. Part of loving someone is being supportive of the things that are important to them, and your birds are important to you. You probably know all of this. My advice would be to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, and see if you can get him to see things from your perspective. Tell him how much it hurts you that he seemingly "hates" your bird. If that doesn't go over well, would you guys be able to give couple's counseling a try? Great things can come of having a mediator present during important conversations, and someone to guide you both in the right direction. You might find, in the end, that things aren't going to work out between you, but at least you can say you gave it a try.

 

[Anne & Gang]

Wow, guys, just wow. He doesn't sound like an animal abuser or spouse abuser to me. Not everyone is into birds, that's just the way the world is. Not everyone is head over heels with their little darlings quirks and sounds. They do make noise, sometimes it can be pretty constant even if it's not loud, and that can grate on people. It sounds like he's really just frustrated. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had my fair share of days with my head buried in my hands going 'Oh for the love of all things purple, just shut up already" when my guys decide to tell the world how awesome they are. He's not beating the bird, he's not throwing things at the bird, he's not shaking the cage while screaming, he just sounds like over the last few years he's been getting more and more frustrated.

Perhaps the breaking point is he's now realizing the bird will be in a smaller area and he'll have less chances to escape the noise. Maybe he's just stressed out about other things and needs to work through them. Maybe there are other options out there for helping make this work out besides her leaving her husband. If this was a bird who was showing frustration and aggression, this place would be full of suggestions to help or cope. We'd be eager to try and make it work for the OP, but because it's a husband a ton of people are calling for divorce???? I'm really disappointed that there aren't more helpful replies here. Because I'm sure right now the OP is staring at everyone calling her husband abusive, hinting he'll go after her next and any potential children, and feeling even worse then when she posted. Even I think that's wrong.

I think you need to re read what she wrote...You may think it is wrong...I have been abused..these are the signs..re read her original post...He is NOT being fair to her at all., not one bit.

 

[AzaleaMist]

I am not one to give up on marriage either as it is very sacred. I do think there are red flags here. Many can see them unless OP was being overly emotional there is reason for concern.

If he is reasonable you can work this out. If he is not reasonable and behaved more the same or worse after trying to work it out I would be even more concerned. Is he just being a jerk sometimes and a good talk and working together will fix this or is this a pattern ?

Be honest with yourself. A good man will correct manipulations and abusive tendencies if it is a learned behavior from parents they are not aware of after it is brought to their attention and they own their behavior. The word abuse while accurate , sometimes is not accepted well and can cause a horrible reaction but TOXIC behavior can be a little easier to listen to.

Only you know what is happening here but whatever it is please be honest with yourself. I know a for that gives great relationship advice if you would like the info pm me.

Hang in there.


Tapatalk

 

[waterfaller1]

Time to get rid of the husband..

I have not read this thread yet, but 24 people agree?

 

[Greycloud]

The bird has screaming problems. http://forums.avianavenue.com/conure-court/64513-dirving-me-insane.html

 

[sodakat]

The bird has screaming problems. http://forums.avianavenue.com/conure-court/64513-dirving-me-insane.html

That is important information that might have resulted in different suggestions if included in this thread. Judy your gut was right again -- the bird can be helped which will help the entire family.

 

[Bokkapooh]

That thread is 1.5years old though. Does he still scream like that? The OP says "driving ME insane" but in this thread she says his noise doesn't bother her. Does that mean it has gotten better over the last 2 years?

 

[Greycloud]

Exactly Mercedez! I think we don't have all the information. Hopefully the OP will post again so we can see if we can help.

 

[Thugluvgrl187]

I am sorry that you are going through this situation. I would try to sit down and talk with your husband. Maybe he just doesn't realize how these things make you feel. Men and women are very different and sometimes we just need to explain things more thoroughly to get the other person to understand.

 

[Sharon]

Exactly Mercedez! I think we don't have all the information. Hopefully the OP will post again so we can see if we can help.

I doubt she will be back......

 

[Chantilly Lace]

I am sure this has been mentioned, but have you tried giving Tegan tons of foraging toys, around the time he screams ever day? And maybe you can convince hubby to wear earplugs, as the screaming doesn't last that long, maybe that would help get through the worst of it. If he is not willing to compromise, and give in at all, when he knows how much you love Tegan, I would seriously consider separating for awhile. See what happens. Because the pattern you are going through is not good at all. I am a divorce attorney and see this pattern of abuse all the time. It will not get better, only worse. He will find something else to fight about, the is certain.

 

[AkCrimson]

I doubt she will be back......

Why do you say that???

Honestly, it sounds to me like there is something else bothering him, which causes little things (cat hair, etc.) to make him lash out.

Our live is....sort of complicated right now. We live in Puerto Rico and if you've never lived here I can't really describe it in a way that could make you understand what it's like being on this hellish rock. Basically it's been a MISERABLE 2 years for us. Finding out we can't bring Penny, we lost a dog in an accident, leaving behind every friend and family member I have, and living in PR is terrible. There are over 100,000 homeless sick dogs on the street, animal abuse is rampant, people are mean and rude, there is a language barrier, we have no friends, and PR has insane crime rates. Coming from rural Alaska to here was extremely stressful and difficult on both of us and it's definitely manifested itself into other aspects of our life. This place makes me lose a lot of faith in humanity. I can't even begin to tell you how glad we are to be moving in 37 days. So that tension gets displaced in a lot of ways.

Wow, guys, just wow. He doesn't sound like an animal abuser or spouse abuser to me.

First of all, your husband does meet the criteria as an abusive spouse just for his mental and emotional abuse toward you. My question is what has changed either in his life or the relationship that has created such a huge change in him that he has become abusive to you? Or, has he always been passive/aggressive abusive and you did not notice? When you say "He doesn't mean it" the things he says, that is a therapists heads-up telling them they are working with an abused spouse.

Laurul see above about Puerto Rico in regards to a life change

A word about who my husband is and what he is like, to clarify;
He is definitely NOT abusive. I did write my post when I was really upset so that must be taken into consideration as well. Though I did not lie about anything. My husband is not abusive, he is childish and immature. When he says some of these things, it reminds me of a toddler having a tantrum "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU" *throws toys* (He never says that I was using a toddler tantrum as an example). I'm in NO WAY excusing his crappy attitude and mean words, I am saying he doesn't mean a lot of what he says because he is just throwing a tantrum. His father is the same way. Another good example of what I mean is he will say "I'm done texting you! I'm done talking about it!" then 30 seconds later he continues to add thoughts to the argument....He has his issues for sure but his heart is in the right place. He's very reactive and does not think of the consequences. He's constantly changing his mind about things, he assumes I'm angry about something if I disagree with him, and he pouts like a child or throws a fit when something does not go his way. I'm so -not- okay with this and it's something that needs to change. These are all things we need to work on (and yes we will hopefully see a counselor in Maine. He isn't psyched about the idea but I asked and he said he will do it if I want to). But abuse is below him. He might be a bit dumb and really immature, but he is not abusive.

Has she talked to him before about all of this in a civil manner without fighting or not during a fight? I believe she mentioned being married for s few years. Has there really been no communication and no compromise this whole time?

We have talked about it and there have been compromises. Things have gotten much better but are still not what I consider ideal. I moved Tegan out of the living area (it made him scream too much) into a bird room and I do my best to keep him well occupied and well fed. Hubby got a little better about the complaining but he can still snap and get all pissy about it (especially when woken from a nap!). If Tegan is screaming for a legitimate reason (and he usually is) I just ignore the complaints and change the subject. He's a bit ADD mentally so if I keep his mind on something else that usually works. Training the husband is actually not as hard as I thought.

My problem is not really that he is upset and hates the bird....I can live with that. My problem is that the things he says hurt my feelings. I probably need to have another chat with him about it but unlike most females I don't like confrontation and I don't tend to talk about emotions and things very well. I usually get snippy and rude about it, even though I don't try to.

I wonder if an email would work.....that way tone of voice (my biggest problem) won't be an issue. And I'm less shy to say what I really think behind a keyboard.

 

[AkCrimson]

Also worth mentioning, we DO NOT want kids. We can't and won't have kids, ever.