Visit from previous owners?

[RedsQ]

Hello everybody!

This is my first time posting on this site, so let me know if Im missing anything.

I adopted a 19year old blue-fronted amazon from an elderly couple (and their 2 x 30some daughters) in August 2019, so its been about 8/9months. They made me promise if I were to get rid of her they would get her back, to which I obliged because I have zero intention of returning her. They also wished to visit her new home (my house) at some point to be able to say hello and see her new set up... I was less excited by this idea but I understand it cant be easy letting go of a birdie you've had for 19yrs. So I said that may be an option, once I feel we've bonded enough and its been enough time that the birdie doesn't believe you're here to collect her.

SO. I sent a text asking about the birdie's fav songs because they did a, imo, very minimal job giving me handover info about what she likes. Im already annoyed with them and their slow release of info about the poor birdies interests, considering my home is a large culture difference to theirs and I obviously want to make her comfy and happy.. Anyways, I got a text from them mentioning some songs and a CD that they have and are now deciding they should give me. They then followed up with the big question about visitation soon.. Obviously post COVID crisis so that wont be for a while anyways in my books, but still. I don't know if I feel its been long enough? Generally how long should one wait before a previous owner visits a re-homed bird? I don't want to mess with our slow growing bond by breaking her little heart again over the previous owners. I also definitely don't want to get the cold shoulder / bitten because suddenly Im not primary care giver while the last owner is standing around... Help? Advice?

 

[Zara]

Welcome to the Avenue Jordan

Sorry it took a while for me to approve your thread, I was glued to a foraging video

I have moved your thread to Bird boulevard (Rehome Highway is to rehome birds, and all posts need approval, so you will find conversation here a lot easier).

I don´t know the answer to your question. @sunnysmom @TikkiTembo ?

 

[Nikomania]

I will let you know what my experience has been with allowing one of my bird's previous owners come to visit my gray. Please note that this is my experience only.
I received a baby gray from a guy who discovered that after only 4 weeks with him his older gray didn't want to have anything to do with him. So he rehomed him to me with the agreement that he could come see him in the future.
He hounded me weekly until after a month of being with us I agreed. It was the worst decision I could have made because half way through his visit I reached out to my grey and received my very first nip from him.
From that moment on I have not been able to handle this sweet guy; only my family members. The month prior to his visit he was a super cuddly affectionate fluffernutter towards me. Somehow this little guy put 2 and 2 together that I was the one responsible for removing him from his first loving home.

With that being said, only you can make the decision as to what will be right for you and your bird. Birds don't forget their people. Depending upon their sensitivity level it could cause a set back in your bird. But you won't know until the visit has taken place.

 

[Hankmacaw]

Birds grieve and they grieve immensely for former homes/owners, no matter how bad that home was. My girl GW macaw was given to me when she was 6 1/2 years old and had been in her previous home her entire life. Her ex-mom came to see her several times and every time caused a traumatic experience for my bird. She loved her ex-mom and would be ecstatic when mom came to see her and cry when she left (yes birds cry). The last time she came to see Jasper, I was standing in the driveway when mom got in her car and drove away. Jasper jumped off of my arm and chased the car down the street until I caught her. It tore my heart out and it was obvious that Jasper was suffering. I explained to her mom and asked her not to come see Jasper again. Jasper grieved 6 - 8 months.

 

[sunnysmom]

I have never had a prior owner ask to see one of my birds. I have received an inquiry through the rescue about how my tiel Scooter was doing which I gladly gave. If you're willing, maybe instead of a visit, you could offer to give updates and photos or a video? I periodically get updates on the birds that I have fostered from their new owners and it makes me really happy to know that they're doing well and it's nice to have assurance that they're okay. Maybe that would work and you could also explain to them why you're concerned about visits.

 

[JLcribber]

Do not bother these previous owners for anything moving forward. Let it die (because it will). I can’t think of one single reason for them to intrude in your or the birds life.

 

[Shezbug]

I think it’s kinda unfair on the bird to allow this. It must be like rejection when they can’t understand why their old owners are parting from them again. I can not think of any reasons for this visit that will be beneficial to your bird. It’s all about your bird not about their feelings or wants- if they’re really stressed and you would like to put their minds at ease send them a video. That way they can see the bird and his environment without causing the bird emotional grief and confusion.

 

[rocky'smom]

i have question about previous owners

since I adopted Bebe, I am now having to deal with previous owner (PO) again. I am finding this not pleasant at all. she has called a couple of times asking about Bebe. I talked to her and tell her that he is doing fine, eating new foods, learning to be a happier bird. he is finally adjusting...

forums.avianavenue.com

My answer is nope.
Bebe's previous owner showed up at my door not expected not invited. She had 3 of 5 kids with her. Bebe had been here about one year, new routine, clean cage, better food, better environment. He regressed about year's worth of growth.
Not worth that again.

 

[Love My Zons]

Welcome!

Good info has been said already.

Would pictures or a video help these People out?

That's what I would do. Birds are highly intelligent creatures.

 

[tka]

I think it’s kinda unfair on the bird to allow this. It must be like rejection when they can’t understand why their old owners are parting from them again. I can not think of any reasons for this visit that will be beneficial to your bird. It’s all about your bird not about their feelings or wants- if they’re really stressed and you would like to put their minds at ease send them a video. That way they can see the bird and his environment without causing the bird emotional grief and confusion.

Exactly this! Visiting the bird in her new home is for them, not her. She won't understand why they're leaving her again, and you have no way of explaining to her why it must be this way or of soothing her grief. If they care about her, they will understand and be willing to prioritise her needs even it's hard for them. If they want to see her setup and her new home, take photos or video and send it to them. I wouldn't even skype or video call in case their voices upset her.

If you do send photos or video, you may need to establish some firm boundaries. Assuming she is receiving good care at yours, they should not complain how how you're keeping her, feeding her, her new routine etc. Valid concerns are one thing, but not nitpicking over stuff if she's healthy, happy and adjusting well. Not the same, but the person who lived in our house before my parents bought it bothered them so much about a tree's care that in the end, my mother asked him if he'd like to dig up the tree and take it with him.

By the way, we'd love to hear more about your new flock member

 

[Sodapop&Co.]

Maybe you could use the virus situation as an excuse to do the visit virtually (video call)? So they can see the bird and that she's doing well, without your bird recognizing them? I would be scared to cause regression, like it has happened to some of the birds posted about here; very sad. Good luck!

 

[TikkiTembo]

I visited a bird today who lodged here for 48 hours. He instantly recognized me and was glued to me for the whole day, couldn't pry him off. He was only here for 2 days and made a connection with me. I would refrain from visits if possible, but offer tons of pics and videos!

 

[Shezbug]

Exactly this! Visiting the bird in her new home is for them, not her. She won't understand why they're leaving her again, and you have no way of explaining to her why it must be this way or of soothing her grief. If they care about her, they will understand and be willing to prioritise her needs even it's hard for them. If they want to see her setup and her new home, take photos or video and send it to them. I wouldn't even skype or video call in case their voices upset her.

If you do send photos or video, you may need to establish some firm boundaries. Assuming she is receiving good care at yours, they should not complain how how you're keeping her, feeding her, her new routine etc. Valid concerns are one thing, but not nitpicking over stuff if she's healthy, happy and adjusting well. Not the same, but the person who lived in our house before my parents bought it bothered them so much about a tree's care that in the end, my mother asked him if he'd like to dig up the tree and take it with him.

By the way, we'd love to hear more about your new flock member

OMG!! We had a similar situation when my mother bought her first house...... we pulled out rose bushes that were planted right on the edge of the whole length of driveway, you could not get out of the car without scratching the car and also getting caught in the thorns so they had to come out ....the previous owner parked on the street because of this. The old owners daughter was a SIL to one of my mothers closest friends- boy did we hear about how awful we were for pulling the roses out and giving them away, how we mowed the lawn the wrong way and also how we had made her waste her effort and money when we ripped down the revolting mismatched ivy wall paper that we had no right to remove as she put it up five years before selling.
My mum ended up telling her friend to go back and tell the SIL that if these messages kept coming through to us we would let everyone know how filthy and disgusting the house had been left, how much she stole from the house that we had paid for and was in the contract to be part of the sale and how she tried to make us move into the shed because she did not feel like moving on the day she was meant to..... we also passed the message on that if she continued to park out the front of our house and stalk us she would be reported to the police. Oh my it was a hassle when it should not have been.

Why people get rid of things they have such an emotional attachment to is beyond my comprehension. Houses, cars, birds- it makes no difference what it is- you sell it or give it away you walk away and wish for the best but you stay away!!!
Just because it was once theirs does not give them life long rights to what ever it is- people like this really annoy me. If you want it that badly that you have to harass the new owners, keep tabs on the item or new owners, or generally just behave like a freak in regards to the change then you really should not have gotten rid of the thing in the first place and that is your problem not the new carer or owners problem.

Just as an interest thing- here, if you rehome your dog or cat etc you have absolutely no information come back to you about anything once you sign your rights over. You sign its care over to another and you walk away forever- why??? Because it has been identified that it is not the best thing for the animal to have to deal with excitement, rejection and confusion all over again just because someone wanted to feel good about their choice to abandon their rights. It has nothing to do with the living creature and everything to do with the feelings of guilt from the original owner.

 

[RedsQ]

Ugh dang. Knew I was right about this being a bad idea... I already send pics and videos to them and they thank me for it. I’m happy to remain in touch to ensure them she’s fine, but yeah I’m steadily mentally pulling back from this visit idea. Thankfully COVID gives me a few more months to put it off in the name of health and safety. Also they don’t know exactly where I live. Thank god. (Small island community by the way. I’m bound to run into them at some point).

The video call they probably won’t settle for and honestly I don’t have the energy to accommodate anymore. The adoption process had me break down in tears of frustration a couple times, they’re stretching me here and I’ve gotta cut this chord I think... They put the word out for adoption and I appeared ‘sooner than they expected’ and they stretched out my agreed upon “6 visits” to about 4months of weekly visits. Where naturally I hit a plateau with the bird because she wasn’t interested in getting to know me while they were around. Anndddd she was super unfamiliar with black people. Something she’s moving past veryy slowly..

I really don’t want her to regress, she’s gone from zero contact to allowing handling, quiet time cuddles, exciting play, and is happier healthier and way more active in the span of 8mo.. Regression would hurt me right now (let’s not get started on the fresh chop journey we’ve been and are still on lol) and her being just about 20 y.o she’s already a hard nut to crack... this is gona be a crappy long dramatic convo. Wish me luck! Any more advice is definitely welcome lol. Thanks again to you all, I’m excited to be apart of this forum!!

 

[PufF]

Ooh she looks so pretty!Definitely a floofie.

 

[sunnysmom]

I am wondering why they wanted to rehome her if they are still wanting to be involved in her life? I think like you said, I would just put things off because of the virus for now and when the time comes if they are still wanting to visit to say you don't believe it's in the vest interest of the bird and explain why. They should want what is best for her too.

 

[Nikomania]

Your recent post is confirmation that a visit from them will have a negative impact on you and your sweet guy moving forward.

 

[tka]

I wonder if the COVID situation is exacerbating the issue... People are restricted in what they can do, can't see friends, had to give up hobbies and activities. Sometimes people fixate on an issue that they wouldn't think about so much if they were doing the usual stuff that would fill their day. I can easily see an elderly couple, no longer allowed to do any community activities or see their friends or take themselves out for coffee or dinner, devoting a lot of energy to thinking about the bird they rehomed.

I think drawing back is a good idea. You have given them a lot and have accommodated them, and I think they have to acknowledge that "their" bird bird isn't theirs any more. I think you can explain that now isn't a good time for visits, then cross your fingers and hope that once it's over, they have other things to give their attention and time to that isn't her/you.

It sounds like she's doing well with you - I love the photo of her messy break!

 

[Zara]

I am wondering why they wanted to rehome her if they are still wanting to be involved in her life? I think like you said, I would just put things off because of the virus for now and when the time comes if they are still wanting to visit to say you don't believe it's in the vest interest of the bird and explain why. They should want what is best for her too.

I agree.

The pictures and updates are a courtesy, because you are a good person, and that should be enough. I wouldn´t even offer a video call. I don´t really see the point.

It´s great to hear how much progress you have been making


@sunnysmom My old boss was adament on buying a puppy for her 6 year old daughter as a Christmas present. Not something I agree with, but anyway, this puppy would be brought to work, the kid would be so rough, and treat her like a toy then leave her with me while they all disappeared off. While running the 5 businesses I had this (stinkin´adorable!) little mini poodle to care for. After a few weeks, I get a phonecall asking if I want the puppy at no cost, because ¨i was so good with the dog, and she´s grown so big, I will allow you to take her to work everyday and into your office¨, a told her I´m sorry, I can´t do that to my dog, it´s not fair but I can find the pup a good home if you like?, her response was, ¨Oh no, I know I can give her away for free easy, I just wanted you to have her so my daughter can still play with her¨. So basically, she wanted to rehome the dog so I clean the poop, train, feed and vet her and incur all costs.. but they can come and play with the pup when her daughter feels like it.
(I did manage to pursuade her to allow me to find a good home for the pup, and she went to live with a lovely lady who worked for us, who I told not to bring the dog to work)

 

[Birdbabe]

Cut the ties honey, cut the ties,,, shes in your care now,,,not trying to sound mean,,,the previous owners need to stay away and let you continue this journey with your baby..all they are doing is making it worse for your baby to have a healthy happy life with you.. why on earth would someone want to continue to be in the life of someone or something they gave up?? Guilt??? I say No, No, No....been there, done that...the humans will get over it..