My retreat

[tahura]

so I..love cockatiels. I had two. Snow and Pika. I took them from this aviary, both sick little babies. I raised them by myself. Like my own children. My babies.. pika was slightly older. I didn't know there gender yet. My time with them only a few months. I dedicated myself I tried. One day I was in another room. Their cage maybe open. I came to the room to find pika unresponsive. I broke down a long time to get over the death. My baby.. And now after a few more months. I travelled. From my home to my nana's house. Snow was in cage. The fan of the room on. My younger sister took snow out. I told her to keep snow properly or put him back in the cage because snow knew how to fly now. My baby was my everything. He used to preen me. My eyes, brows, lips. He'd come to me. He loved my scritches, he'd demand them. He'd seek me out. He'd perch on my head and refuse to leave. He's fly to me when I put him down. He'd fly to me when I'd go in the kitchen knowing I'd make him food. He was my everything. My day and night. I had promised myself If I lost snow ever...then I am never again trying to keep a pet. Never. There are so many if's now. what if I had kept him with me. what if I had turned the fan off. what if I had just..not come to my nana's house. what if I didn't trust my sister to keep him safe. She kept snow on the bed and went away... My poor baby flew and hit the fan. He was soft.. instant death. I cried for hours.. grieved. The death was a testament. No matter how much I care. I don't have any more courage. I am never..getting a pet again. Only because no matter how much I love them or care for them or pet them or cherish them...It isn't written it in my destiny for me to actually keep one... they're not...meant to stay or survive with me and snow's death was a testament. I am just not...meant to have a pet.. not deserving enough...no matter how much I care or cherish them like my own children. My sweet babies. I can't say how sorry I am. I cannot ever express how sorry I am. Maybe if I never got them in the first place...maybe if I just never had them, they'd be alive. Just a few hours ago he was on my shoulder..preening himself and me. My sweet baby... I can't get over it. Eventuallly I will. I didn't make much post in this forum but this is gonna be my last one because this is my retreat. I am sorry for the vent here, I just don't know what else to do. I just wish...it was different somehow, I could turn back time. This hurts so bad. This is my surrender. I am not getting a pet let alone a bird ever again, They are just.. I am just not meant to have one. My babies.. I am so sorry

 

[Respect]

I am so, so sorry for your losses. I have lost two cats in my life and am currently dealing with a third sick one. Had I been able to take them to the vet sooner, had I had the money to try diagnosing them, had I maybe done something different, they might still be here… but the plain truth is, at that point in time I couldn’t have done anything more for them.

What I did do was give them all my love, comfort them, and care for them the best I knew how. I am sure you did the exact same for Snow and Pika. You could not have possibly predicted what happened to them. You did your best, even if “best” never feels like enough in hindsight.

Wishing you strength and healing in this difficult time

 

[Aestatis]

Hey Tahura, it sounds like you have gone through a lot of heartbreak, and it's completely understandable.

Before I say anything else, I want you to know people are welcome here even if they decide not to post, or even if they do not currently have birds. And, it's completely valid to not want to have another pet again after such losses.

That said...from my perspective you are taking all of the blame for stuff that either isn't your fault at all. You said Pika and Snow were sickly when you got them - so it's likely Pika's death was due to his prior conditions and breeding. Sometimes, the damage is done before you get your bird, even if they are young.

As for Snow, ultimately your sister was in charge. Who is to say she wouldn't have turned the fan on herself? Even if you were wrong in trusting her, it was a tragic accident, not something you did on purpose. Losing Snow is punishment enough. There is no reason to torture yourself. It sounds like Snow loved you a lot. I bet if you could talk to him and explain what happened, he wouldn't want you to think you don't deserve a pet. Cockatiels are social and love their friends, so I'd like to think a cockatiel could think of nothing sadder than their owner being lonesome.

Sometimes the birds we lose are our best teachers.I think all owners have regrets, no matter the cause of death. Even if you don't get another pet again, maybe your knowledge helps another owner down the line. Or, maybe years from now another bird comes into your life. With what you know, you won't repeat your mistakes.

 

[Finchbreed]

As said more elequantly than I can above.
This is not your fault - you have gone through a very painful time.
Give it time and if it is meant to be - in the future your right companion will come along.

 

[Sparkles99]

 

[Mizzely]

I've dealt with a lot of losses in my life with regards to pets and I also felt like I was being punished by the universe. It took me a long time to forgive myself for things that happened. The what ifs will steal your happiness and sanity.

Grieving is an important part of life, but it's not a a place to live. It's a place to walk through, in our own time, on our own path, on our way to the next stage. Part of it will always be with you, but it will change and evolve, just like you will.