My green cheek suddenly hates me and I'm giving up

[Vittror]

he doesn't feel like it ever since then. although at nights, right before bed when he's sleepy he acts like his old self and cuddles again. it gets my hopes up but the next day, he's back to being terrified by my hands..
and the thing that completely blows my mind is he likes my bf more than me and my bf doesnt so much as feed him or cuddle him and he actually had an accident of almost killing him.. and my bird still likes him more when i never treated him badly. now that he flies away from me, to put him back, my bf grabs him and puts him back, slamming the door usually. none of that phases my bird..
and as i said before i'm the only one ever doing any training, feeding, treats, cleaning etc.. and now i cant even manage my own bird.
my bf gets angry and doesnt see well so when he puts him back he's not as gentle, regardless of what i say. he thinks its ok because the bird likes him more still
i might just end up rehoming him because if my bird only likes the person who isn't exactly nice to him, and wont let me handle him then it's not even safe..
i'm still doing the entire starting over thing but its daunting when my bf comes back and all my bird wants is him and my bf doesnt want to hold him, and when he does he does for 10 minutes while he's using the computer, not petting the bird or giving any actual attention except yelling when he gets bit, which is often.

sorry i'm all over the place

Probably a very unpopular opinion here but: if my partner would treat my birds that way - he wouldn't handle them anymore.
As in I wouldn't let him handle my birds anymore.
Look, I don't know what the almost killing thing was about but sadly accidents do happen, even when we don't want to.
I don't know about this situation, wasn't there at the time so it's not up to me to judge about it.
But what you describe about your boyfriend grabbing your bird, slamming the door, yelling.. you can say it doesn't phase your bird but I don't really believe that to be honestly.
And well if it doesn't phase your bird, cool, but that's not a way to treat whatever kind of animal?

Also if your bird is still afraid of hands I would say grabbing him is a really huge no go.
Except for very dangerous situations where you must act and such but otherwise? No.

Could it be an idea to handle your bird in a room seperated from your boyfriend?
Maybe that way you could (over time) just calmly rebuild your bond with your bird.

Honestly I don't know the consequences if your bird is seperated from his favorite person and if that would be a good thing to do but the situation like this is not good either.
And if you decide to rehome him he also wouldn't be with your boyfriend so I guess it wouldn't matter much in that perspective? But I might be completely wrong here, pure speculating from my side.

 

[evelinap]

Well they choose who they choose and we don't always have a lot of influence in it. You need to step back and start over and let him go at his own pace earning his trust back. Yummy irresistible treats are a good high value treat to get him wanting to hang out with you and interact. It's hard when they change like this and you just have to work with them to get back what you had. Dobby used to love me but then he realized my sister looks kinda like his mom and does cool things in the kitchen with food. He now chases her where she goes and requests scritches and tries to woo her. I'm protection and walnut provider. He doesn't hate me, he'll step up nicely when asked and never bites but he won't really get into it if I try to scritch him, that is his chosen ones job. Eventually he may decide I'm allowed to scritch him again but if not it is what it is and he's happy here ruling his flock and flying around getting into things when it's out time.

it's the opposite for me, he will sometimes go out of his way on his own to get to me and sit on me but if i raise my hand he flies away now, at night he doesn't fly away and lets me scratch his head/neck but doesn't let me pet him. and during the day time he's even too scared to take snacks from me usually, it takes 10 minutes for him to take a single one so it's a long conquest. he imprinted on me first so it's kind of a decision he made months after, and i don't mind him liking my boyfriend more, it's just that my boyfriend grabs him and i don't that confuses me and the fact that i can't put my own bird back without his help. he does not step up and as soon as i raise my hand he flies around in circles.

 

[evelinap]

So?
Did you get your bird in order to have someone to love you? That’s not how it works.
We have a flock of birds, and one thing I know is if we bring home a cockatiel it will love my husband. Not me.
I joke about it but I don’t care. I suspect he has a calmer energy than me and they are drawn to that.
Just curious, did you rehome your previous birds?

no i go my bird because he loved me, and i couldn't say no because he would always want to cuddle me when i cared for him at work.
i have a calmer energy than my boyfriend, and my bird did love me more. my energy didn't change neither did my boyfriend's or anything we did.
i did not rehome my previous birds, although the sun conure stayed with my mom because she was the caretaker and they bonded well.

3 of them died, smaller birds, and another got stolen.
i've never had an issue like this before with a bird randomly deciding to fear my hands, although i'm much more level headed now and less stressed then before so i'm not sure how i would have reacted back then, i'll admit.

 

[finchly]

it's the opposite for me, he will sometimes go out of his way on his own to get to me and sit on me but if i raise my hand he flies away now, at night he doesn't fly away and lets me scratch his head/neck but doesn't let me pet him. and during the day time he's even too scared to take snacks from me usually, it takes 10 minutes for him to take a single one so it's a long conquest. he imprinted on me first so it's kind of a decision he made months after, and i don't mind him liking my boyfriend more, it's just that my boyfriend grabs him and i don't that confuses me and the fact that i can't put my own bird back without his help. he does not step up and as soon as i raise my hand he flies around in circles.

Yes I agree this is very confusing. I know we're all asking you a lot of questions but it's because we don't know you well. It sounds like there is no way you are at fault that I can see.

Sometimes they just become afraid of hands. It is sad but true. This might be overcome by constant vigilant work with your bird. I feel for you - this doesn't sound like an easy situation. In a way, it's like you've lost a friend.

Could it be an idea to handle your bird in a room seperated from your boyfriend?
Maybe that way you could (over time) just calmly rebuild your bond with your bird.

I like this idea.

 

[evelinap]

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I know you need to vent.

I had one experience like your in my lifetime and that is when I grabbed my goffin cockatoo by the his feet. It was very late and I had just taken a sleeping pill and as I felt drowsy I decided to do one more checkup to see if everything was locked up. I noticed my little guy had escaped his cage and off to the right of me I could see him sitting on my kitchen table with three cats and one dog right beside him. Of course he wouldn't step up right then and there was no way I was going to leave him there, so in my sleepy state I grabbed him. Unlike your situation, the only one screaming was me as my bird proceeded to tear chunks out of the hand that firmly held him. We both went to bed angry that night.

That's my point, there will be misunderstandings and there will be hurt moods in any relationship, but especially in one with a bird. He didn't like your hand clamping around him because that is exactly how a predator would catch him in the wilds. He was scared and maybe still is.

He will come around. Just take a deep breath and realize that this too will change.

thank you.

i had experiences where i would not get along with my birds sometimes but we would always make up quite easily with treats and go back to normal.
i would really love to understand what i did that caused this because my boyfriend actually grabs him on the daily and gets angry with my bird and they get along as normal.
mt boyfriend is starting to think it's because i'm too nice to my bird and tiptoe around him but my boyfriend never had a bird before, and i tried every approach by now so acting normal clearly didn't help.
he's slowly expanding his time with my at nights thought, which is when he doesnt fear my hands.

Yes I agree this is very confusing. I know we're all asking you a lot of questions but it's because we don't know you well. It sounds like there is no way you are at fault that I can see.

Sometimes they just become afraid of hands. It is sad but true. This might be overcome by constant vigilant work with your bird. I feel for you - this doesn't sound like an easy situation. In a way, it's like you've lost a friend.


I like this idea.

it did feel like i lost a friend, when i looked back at videos of him snuggling into me, and being his lovely self, i was at a loss.. but thats when i had a crazy idea, and did what he rejected in the first place yet its the one thing he loved more than treats, or food, or sleep.. cuddles. more specifically, i just tried to talk to him gently and give him head scratches while he was hanging upside down in his cage. now this has usualy proven to make him wary ever since he hated my hands, but this time i waited till he made the first move towards my face and pecked my chin before slowly starting to scratch his head, and eventually he just snuggled back into my hands like old times, i'm in tears.
i'm not sure if he will stay this way but he actually finally cuddled me and went into my hands. earlier today treats didnt even work, which they only do 5% of the time with him, otherwise he waits for me to give in and just give it to him without stepping up.
i will definitely try this tactic from now on

 

[evelinap]

I like this idea.
[/QUOTE]

to be clear: my boyfriend is gone during the day and this is when it all began. when my boyfriend is here at nights my bird just squeaks for him until i tell my boyfriend to hold him, which he does for several minutes until my bird bites him enough to annoy him and he puts him back into his cage.
so during the day before work is when ive tried treats etc, when i tried this in the evening when my boyfriend is back then he just flies into our room on my boyfriends head instead.
then right before bedtime, which is when i of course cover him and dim the lights, i pet him and he doesnt react to my hands at all, just acts normal.

 

[Fergus Mom]

it's the opposite for me, he will sometimes go out of his way on his own to get to me and sit on me but if i raise my hand he flies away now, at night he doesn't fly away and lets me scratch his head/neck but doesn't let me pet him. and during the day time he's even too scared to take snacks from me usually, it takes 10 minutes for him to take a single one so it's a long conquest. he imprinted on me first so it's kind of a decision he made months after, and i don't mind him liking my boyfriend more, it's just that my boyfriend grabs him and i don't that confuses me and the fact that i can't put my own bird back without his help. he does not step up and as soon as i raise my hand he flies around in circles.

This might be something you have thought of - but have you tried moving your hands ULTRA ultra s-l-o-w-l-y when he is on you? Like you're going to handle nitroglycerin and your life depends on it, or you're sneaking to do something... Maybe?

 

[Vittror]

I'm sorry that you feel like you've lost your friend and I get that it's very frustrating.

Would it be an idea to not try to get your bird step up on your hands but to start doing target training with him?
Learn him to step up on a perch so he can sit on it and can be carried and such if necessary, but is not in close contact with your hands.

If you're not familiar with target training, I find Flock-Talk has a good video where she explains the how to Flock-Talk: Training Tutorial | Target Training

Maybe for giving him treats you could put the treat on a spoon or just put the treat down while using the spoon or something so there's more distance between him and your hands.
If your bird likes millet you could try to give him the millet while it's still on the (long) sprig instead of small bits.
That way you can hold the millet and still have your hands not really close to him (depends on how long the sprig millet is I guess).

If you're not having much of luck with food rewards, he might not be really food oriented (right now) but find another kind of treat more rewarding.
Maybe you can try a toy part he likes (foot toy?) or praising him with a happy/excited voice.

What kind of rewards have you tried with him so far?

What kind of toys likes your bird to play with and what is his name?

 

[Dartman]

Try different things that he may like to get him comfortable to get close to your hands. Dobby just loves bells and jingling noises just get him so excited he'll start following me around from a distance making all his favorite noises wanting to get to the beloved bells and keys. He won't always just plop on me but he suddenly is very interested in getting closer to me. Right now it's our walnut time. He waddles down the couch arm, waits a tiny bit, then does a whistle to get my attention and get a piece of walnut. Sometimes we get a tiny tug of war over it and I let him have it and he waddles away all proud of himself. He always asks very nicely and I use these times to build up his relationship with me. He still prefers sister but we have the walnuts to bond over and sometimes I let him out early to hang out in the computer room with me on his huge play stand. He just hangs out and munches and watches what I'm doing and I'll try to scritch him occasionally but he does like hanging out.
If you truly don't think chasing him around freaked him out sounds like he's chosen your boyfriend now and you just have to work on something that you can do together with time. Find that magic thing he loves and only you can provide for him.
Nerd bird was like that, I was his world but he and sister had certain things that just the two of them did together on her days off while I was working. She would share breakfast with him and then she was required to give a short or long scritch, his choice how long he allowed it.

 

[Gribouille]

no i go my bird because he loved me, and i couldn't say no because he would always want to cuddle me when i cared for him at work.
i have a calmer energy than my boyfriend, and my bird did love me more. my energy didn't change neither did my boyfriend's or anything we did.

I've read the whole thread and it seems to me that you are deeply hurt about this situation, so I am not so sure your energy hasn't changed. Your bird must sense how important this is to you, how disappointed and sad you are. So although you are calmer than your boyfriend, you must still radiate some depressed energy, which is something living beings tend to avoid and be distressed about when in proximity.
You seem to expect your bird to behave like a human, a kid maybe, but you base your scenario on human emotions and needs. You feel he should like you more because of what you do, but you don't consider what your bird might want or need.
Birds' logic is not always working like ours, and our solutions aren't always the best ones either. Let me give you an example:
I have 2 budgies and a parrotlet. The parrotlet is tame and seems to think his flock is the human part of the household. The budgies on the other hand, aren't tame, but they "attack" the parrotlet when he is with me or on his own in the kitchen. I've been thinking that they were jealous of the attention I was giving the parrotlet. But they don't want any contact with me. I've been thinking maybe my male budgie is thinking the parrotlet is a budgie girl (doesn't have the blue on his ceres) and wants to mate/get him back to the budgies flock? I've been thinking about a lot of reasons why my budgies always fly at the parrotlet, while he is obviously scared and doesn't want anything to do with them. But I've been using MY logic. There is no reason whatsoever for a bird to think like me. Maybe my budgies aren't jealous but think a bird should be in their flock instead of interacting with humans. Maybe they feel his shouldn't be on their territory. Maybe there is some reason I'll never even consider. Fact is: they are flying at him, and he is scared. Whatever the reasons, I need to find a solution to protect my parrotlet from being too stressed out, and my first thought was to separate them but this is not ideal since we all share a little flat. So I've been working on providing safe places for him to go, while helping my parrotlet getting more confident and learning that those budgies aren't a real danger.

You say your bird is coming back to you but is still scared of your hand: try to teach him to step up on a perch. My budgies thought this was a great compromise to go back to their cage, and much much better than being chased and grabbed anyway.
When you want to cuddle, you can offer him your hand/finger for scritches by showing him your intention and let him decide if he wants it or not. My parrotlet will stretch his head toward my finger to show me he agrees, or move away if he isn't interested.

Hope you find your way back together!

 

[finchly]

But I've been using MY logic. There is no reason whatsoever for a bird to think like me. Maybe my budgies aren't jealous but think a bird should be in their flock instead of interacting with humans. Maybe they feel his shouldn't be on their territory. Maybe there is some reason I'll never even consider. Fact is: they are flying at him, and he is scared. Whatever the reasons, I need to find a solution to protect my parrotlet from being too stressed out, and my first thought was to separate them but this is not ideal since we all share a little flat. So I've been working on providing safe places for him to go, while helping my parrotlet getting more confident and learning that those budgies aren't a real danger.

Great example of what we've been trying to say.

You say your bird is coming back to you but is still scared of your hand: try to teach him to step up on a perch. My budgies thought this was a great compromise to go back to their cage, and much much better than being chased and grabbed anyway.
When you want to cuddle, you can offer him your hand/finger for scritches by showing him your intention and let him decide if he wants it or not. My parrotlet will stretch his head toward my finger to show me he agrees, or move away if he isn't interested.

@evelinap can you try one of these things? I do the same for scritches, I hold my finger up doing a scritch motion and say "scritches?" The parrotlets, cockatiels, and pionus all will give me a yes (by leaning the head over) or a no (by pretending to bite, flying away, or simply not leaning their head over).

my bird just squeaks for him until i tell my boyfriend to hold him, which he does for several minutes until my bird bites him enough to annoy him and he puts him back into his cage.

So there's a bird biting problem which is fundamental to this whole discussion. @Monica - can you address it?

 

[Monica]

I have commented on the first page in regards to training.

Thread specifically for training information.

Free Training Resources

Someone recently told me that there was only one trainer on the internet that had free training advice. This is, quite simply, false. This “trainer” they spoke of is an amateur that has taken advice from salesmen who market themselves as bird trainers. Not to say that they don't enjoy helping...

forums.avianavenue.com

 

[evelinap]

I'm sorry that you feel like you've lost your friend and I get that it's very frustrating.

Would it be an idea to not try to get your bird step up on your hands but to start doing target training with him?
Learn him to step up on a perch so he can sit on it and can be carried and such if necessary, but is not in close contact with your hands.

If you're not familiar with target training, I find Flock-Talk has a good video where she explains the how to Flock-Talk: Training Tutorial | Target Training

Maybe for giving him treats you could put the treat on a spoon or just put the treat down while using the spoon or something so there's more distance between him and your hands.
If your bird likes millet you could try to give him the millet while it's still on the (long) sprig instead of small bits.
That way you can hold the millet and still have your hands not really close to him (depends on how long the sprig millet is I guess).

If you're not having much of luck with food rewards, he might not be really food oriented (right now) but find another kind of treat more rewarding.
Maybe you can try a toy part he likes (foot toy?) or praising him with a happy/excited voice.

What kind of rewards have you tried with him so far?

What kind of toys likes your bird to play with and what is his name?

i'll check the video out.
i tried sunflower seeds which are his favorite seeds, and he also loves grape juice and raspberries. i've also learned he likes ice cream, he stops at nothing when he sees anyone eating it around him, he would reach into my mouth if necessary.

he doesn't like toys in particular but he has straw shred toys right now and he likes to argue with the bells on his toys.

his name is dante.

 

[evelinap]

This might be something you have thought of - but have you tried moving your hands ULTRA ultra s-l-o-w-l-y when he is on you? Like you're going to handle nitroglycerin and your life depends on it, or you're sneaking to do something... Maybe?

yes that's something i've resulted in doing because he stares my hands down as if it's a moving wildfire. otherwise he has a 100% chance of flying away. this reduces a good 5% at most, if he's just out and about. if it's inside his cage it's a little better now, especially when he's hanging upside down

 

[evelinap]

Try different things that he may like to get him comfortable to get close to your hands. Dobby just loves bells and jingling noises just get him so excited he'll start following me around from a distance making all his favorite noises wanting to get to the beloved bells and keys. He won't always just plop on me but he suddenly is very interested in getting closer to me. Right now it's our walnut time. He waddles down the couch arm, waits a tiny bit, then does a whistle to get my attention and get a piece of walnut. Sometimes we get a tiny tug of war over it and I let him have it and he waddles away all proud of himself. He always asks very nicely and I use these times to build up his relationship with me. He still prefers sister but we have the walnuts to bond over and sometimes I let him out early to hang out in the computer room with me on his huge play stand. He just hangs out and munches and watches what I'm doing and I'll try to scritch him occasionally but he does like hanging out.
If you truly don't think chasing him around freaked him out sounds like he's chosen your boyfriend now and you just have to work on something that you can do together with time. Find that magic thing he loves and only you can provide for him.
Nerd bird was like that, I was his world but he and sister had certain things that just the two of them did together on her days off while I was working. She would share breakfast with him and then she was required to give a short or long scritch, his choice how long he allowed it.

he climbs on me as if his life depends on it when i'm eating ice cream on the couch he just doesn't want anything to do with me in particular though, when so. i'm just the path between him and ice cream. i talk to him gently when he's inside his cage before i have to open it to feed him or clean now so that he doesnt fly out and in circles like a madman, and it's working out so far. no sudden movements.
at night i can pet him before bed at will and he doesnt react to my hands with fear, just snuggles in

 

[Dartman]

Well sounds like your making slow progress and coming to a understanding with each other so just keep slowly and gently working at it and you'll find more things he likes to do with you.