my dad actually suggested a cockatiel instead of a parrotlet in the future. i've been contemplating it and doing research. they're probably better for me, in all honesty.
i also don't really go out that much or do much in terms of hanging out with friends. i've become fairly introverted over the summer. i moved to a new school at the beginning of the summer and haven't been doing anything throughout. i'm constantly in need of a distraction, because sometimes i get extreme paranoia out of nowhere. i go through really bad depressive spells where i have no motivation to do anything. i won't get up until i feel the starvation. it's bad, and my family doesn't give me any motivators, even when they know i'm in a state of mind that's so bad that i seclude myself to my room. being alone has become both negative and positive for me. it's negative, because my thoughts swirl in my head. but positive, because i get to comfort myself in the only ways i know how. i'm a really ambiverted person who doesn't have much to do except eat, sleep, and scroll through instagram. i'm absolutely obsessed with animals, and therefore when i'm around them i feed off of their positive energy. i understand that i need to "live life while i'm young" or whatever, but doing so has ended up causing me certain degrees of mental damage. i've built walls and dropped people out of my life because of these damages. the only way i ever get happy again is through animals. when we had bunnies, i had to get up every morning and feed them and clean their water bottles. after school, about every other day, we had to clean the cages. just being around them and being able to watch them eat treats was an instant mood lifter. depression runs on both sides of my family, so yeah, i probably have it. whenever these spells of depression come around, i'm literally the worst person to be around. looking at pictures of birds and watching them be silly (and annoying) is much different from having one perched on my finger.
oi i went into a dark place while writing that. but yeah, i'm a huge animal person and i love walking up to animals and giving them scritches and a treat (if i'm able to.) because animals always have a different energy than humans. cats, dogs, bunnies and birds? almost always positive. i can tell when they're sick or frustrated. i can tell when they get obsessive or depressed. i can tell a lot of things from hanging out with an animal that trusts me.
my family (primarily my parents) didn't listen to me when 2 of our bunnies got sick and they died. they were both really miserable and already on their last limb. i suggested putting them down, BOTH TIMES this happened, but they didn't want to take on the fee. it's heartbreaking to see animals die, but when they're suffering and constantly in pain? the pain needs to stop. they refused to take the bunnies to the get no matter what i said. they both suffered for about 4 days, if not more. i could tell they were both slowing down, but they fought to get better. they failed, and died a slow and painful death. if i could've changed anything in that situation, it would be what i did. i pleaded and begged to take the bunnies to the vet when both of them were sick, but i should've shifted the perspective from "sick bunny" to "sick child." i would've said, "mom, the bunny is sick. probably dying. what if that were me? would you just stand by and watch as i rotted away painfully? what if i got out of a failed surgery and couldn't even breathe on my own. hades is struggling to breathe on his own. mom... stop the life support. i'm done for, it's okay." and by that point, either one or both of us would be in tears. guilt tripping. the greatest way to get into a parent's mind. if she didn't listen then, i'd still press on. i should've slept by the cages at night and comforted them. i should've done everything that i could've. but i sat back and watched while they died. there is no way in hell that i'm letting that happen to my cats or any future pets that i get. i will scream until it's through their heads. if that didn't work, i'd literally sit outside their bedroom door at night preaching my points until they realized that being ignorant toward animals that you love and care about is PUTRID. i wish that my parents had similar values that i do, because then we wouldn't have that many dead bunnies. it's depressing how often i go overlooked. i don't know if it's because i'm only a minor, the youngest, that i'm a girl, or some other reason. i need to stop being overlooked before a pet needs to be rushed to the vet and dies in my arms again. i will do whatever it takes if something like that happens again. i swear, my parents have such ignorant brains that they're hardly accepting of me. "you're gay? alright that's fine, but don't go telling me you're 'trans' or 'nonbinary.'" i get it. they believe biology and chromosomes over how much it can damage a person and their confidence in their identity if they're misgendered. you can see the temporary faulter in their eyes. in some people? they get emotional when misgendered. in all honesty, sometimes i feel like the people who get misgendered on purpose. i get so overlooked and ignored that i give up until i need to scream for their attention. my dad brought up my starvation earlier today, because my starvation is associated with my depression and how i'm struggling to deal with myself at all. my parents don't give me good vibes or good energy like the kind i get from animals. they're either neutral or negative. most of the time, it's negative, because they don't listen. our cat luna overheats. she's a street cat and her tiny body can't handle the amount of food she's taking in. i've suggested a total of 4 times that she needs a slow feed bowl, but they don't listen and she ends up puking everywhere. it's not the food either, she eats just fine without any issue until she gets too protective over her food and scarfs it all down. i raise my voice at my mom once after luna vomits everywhere? she shakes me off before following me to my room and telling me to drop my attitude, when she's the one who is being rude about an animal's health. i get it. it sounds like i'm being an angsty teen who hates her parents for their absurd moral beliefs. but trust me, live in my shoes for a day. you won't get the reality if you just meet them. they tend to put on a facade, and i have learned to too. i have the facade that i'm happy and positive and bubbly or whatever. which, sometimes, is true, but most of the time, completely false. my parents aren't abusive in any way. they just turn a blind eye unless it's convenient for them. i get these moments of "just fricking run" in my head but i'm brutally dragged back to reality by common sense. i want to run so bad but that won't benefit me in any way. i'll end up having nowhere to turn to and nowhere to hide. i'm naive, i know, but my parents aren't the people they attempt to be. i'm sure they think they're great, and i'm sure other people think they're great, but really? they're not.
okay small rant done. sob story done. i'm sorry for ranting, but i'm really angry rn so i need to cool off. idk how, because my cats are off running around.