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I need advice after the loss of my PBFD+ bird

MeinRabe

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Kay
Hello everyone. Wasn't sure where to put this. I don't want to make this a long post, for fear that no one will read it. I also want to make it somewhat anonymous, so please don't try to dig up my past posts, since I plan on discussing personal topics. Forewarning: This post discusses a bird's death. I am also extremely exhausted, so there may be typos or weird phrases.

A bit of background: I grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic parent. I was so severely neglected I had a social worker. Yet the one thing that kept me sane was my pet budgie. I would do anything to make sure my bird was well taken care of. Every Christmas, my distant relatives would offer me clothes, and I would beg them for bird toys and treats. This bird was my little slice of heaven. My only reprieve from the real world. So I spent all my spare time teaching him tricks and reading every book on birds I could find. That little budgie died when he was 6, premature for a budgie I now understand. This was most likely due to his unhealthy diet and inbreeding since I got him from a Petco.

As a result of my neglect, I was formally diagnosed as clinically depressed at age 11, and was essentially told I would not be able to lift my depression at age 16 for the rest of my life, but only manage it.

I grew older, but I did not outgrow birds. The obsession simply grew with me. I discovered online communities, such as this one, where I could indulge with other posters' love of birds. Look at their bird photos, and their new purchases, while my peers were following fashion icons on the internet in a similar fashion. Birds were my absolute hobby and the cornerstone of my life. I would plan outings about birds, or drive to visit a new bird store to buy a new bird toy. Around that time, due to my new stable financial situation, I bought the bird of my dreams! He was perfect! Perfect in every way. We spent every moment I wasn't at work together. We had a bond no one in my personal life really understood.

Then, one day, he started to molt. But it wasn't like any other molt I'd seen. Not online, not in photographs, not in person, not in books. It just continued to get worse. I thought maybe I wasn't giving him enough vitamins, so I bought a bunch off Amazon. Nothing helped. It couldn't be PBFD, I thought, because the woman who sold him to me promised she got her birds checked. Eventually I brought him to an Avian vet, who confirmed the worst. I cried the entire day. I cried so severely they moved me to another part of the vet's office because I was upsetting other patrons. My soul bird would go on to live 4 years more than the expectancy they gave him...

Once I got the diagnosis, I became a shut in. I could not log on to avian avenue anymore, to look at the cute pictures of birds who were not robbed of their feathers. I couldn't go to bird stores because of possible contamination. No more bird fairs. No more zoos. It was just me and my bird and what I bought off the internet. Yet we spent every day together. I disinfected his cage with f10 to prevent any infection. I bought him any gadget or new age cure I was suggested on here. I would spray his dry little feet with aloe and his feathers with soother. He would look at me, every day, I knew he loved me as much as I loved him. His beak grinding would help me fall asleep.

Years passed.

I got a bad illness past these few weeks. It allowed me to be at home with my bird since I was on bed rest. I feel so grateful for that time together... Because my bird had a brain aneurysm and died in the early morning. It was so violent and sudden. I had all of 20 seconds before my baby was gone. Blood gushed from his beak, and from his eyes so that after he passed his eyeball was almost popped out. As I held his little warm body I couldn't believe God would take him away from me. I am so lost without him. He was my everything. I structured my life around him. I don't know what to do with myself. I know my relationship with this bird was perhaps not the healthiest, but it's what keeps me going and my depression in check. I could never hurt myself or waver from being functional because my bird needed me. Now he's gone.

I can't imagine a life without a him. All I want is him back. I've already tossed the cage in sections away, and sprayed it with f10. Same for everything else of his. His corner of the house is empty now.

Is there any way for me to ever get another bird? No one will ever be as good as my soul bird, but I feel so lost. Is there any way for me to disinfect my home in a couple months? I already have a steam cleaner getting shipped to my house... Or is there anyway for me to adopt a PBFD+ bird? I just feel so empty without him. The hope I can one day get another bird is the only thing getting me through the pain.

Any advice is welcomed.
 

tacotaco

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I am so sorry for your loss. I too was diagnosed with chronic depression and my pets are a huge aspect of my life. I rely on their care and routine to help my symptoms as much as they rely on me to live a healthy life and be happy . I am still in the process of getting a bird so I haven't yet experienced the deep human parrot bond. But I hope you know you're in my thoughts and I really hope some one like yourself who obviously has so much care, love and time!! to give to a bird can give another a loving home. I don't know all to much about the after effects of the PBFD+ bird after they are gone. I just hope theres away for you to get another one day when you're ready. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me Kay
 

rocky'smom

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I am so sorry for your loss.
 

MeinRabe

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Kay
I am so sorry for your loss. I too was diagnosed with chronic depression and my pets are a huge aspect of my life. I rely on their care and routine to help my symptoms as much as they rely on me to live a healthy life and be happy . I am still in the process of getting a bird so I haven't yet experienced the deep human parrot bond. But I hope you know you're in my thoughts and I really hope some one like yourself who obviously has so much care, love and time!! to give to a bird can give another a loving home. I don't know all to much about the after effects of the PBFD+ bird after they are gone. I just hope theres away for you to get another one day when you're ready. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me Kay
It's such a relief to hear that someone understands. This made me feel better.
 

slinky-kitty

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Sending you heartfelt well wishes. I am so sorry for your loss. I am devestated for you. Thank you for being such an amazingly wonderful parront. He knew how well cared for and loved he was. I am glad he went relatively quickly and painlessly.

My parents have a PBFD bird. You can buy F10 bombs which may help sanitize your house. The disease can live for up to one year on a household surface. It is an extremely robust disease.

You have done all the right things. For now be kind to yourself and remember fondly your soul mate. He will remain in your heart, memories and life forever.:grouphug:
 

fluffypoptarts

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:sadhug: Their beautiful little souls speak to us and give us a reason to keep fighting. I think a lot of people here will understand what you've written (at least on some level) and how you felt about your precious bird.

(Have you heard of Rhea the Naked Birdie on Facebook? She has PBFD.)
 
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Lady Jane

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My heart goes out to you. I want to say "it will get better" but I know that will not help you. Its just words. Sending hugs and best wishes for recovery and happiness in your life.
 

MommyBird

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Kay, my heart goes out to you. I think many of us have been through things with our fids that gave us similar feelings.
It sounds like you are not able to wait a year as suggested.........
I imagine some of the larger rescues or avian vets are asked to take in PBFD birds and might be able to refer them to you.
If you can tell us an area of the country we could probably suggest who these folks are so you could contact them
:sadhug2:
 

Laylatoo

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I'm incredibly heartbroken for you. So very sorry for your loss. I can sympathize regarding the bond. I lost both my mom and dad in their early 50's to cancer and my stepdad was also diagnosed with cancer at the same time as my mom and is still fighting. I've been broken since the passing of my mom two years ago. She was my world. My animals and especially my bird helped get me through the really tough days. Then Jasper, my bare eyed cockatoo died suddenly just a few months ago. He entangled in a toy in his cage. I was devastated at facing another huge loss. I'm still reeling from finding him lifeless in the cage and have guilt that I couldn't save my boy. I finally sought help from my doctor because I was so angry and sad every day. I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Layla, my new galah brings light to my days. My kids and husband don't understand my bond with my bird babies but without them I'd be empty which is crazy because I live in a house full of animals and children.

I'm glad you are here for support with like minded people. I hope very much that another bird finds you to fill that bird sized hole in your heart.
 

WendyN

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Kay, i am very sorry for your loss.
Our companion birds are very dear to us.
 

sunnysmom

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I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my heart bird almost a year ago. It was sudden and unexpected, even though he was older. So I understand your heart break very well. I know it doesn't really help now to say that it gets better, but it does. The hole in your heart never goes away but the pain subsides. I hope you can find another bird to love. Hugs.
 

aooratrix

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Contact the Infectious Diseases Lab at the University of Georgia in Athens: Dr. Branson Ritchie works there and is a leading expert on PBFD. Put "inquiry" in the email subject line and ask them about sanitizing your home and a safe timeline for adopting a new avian companion. Their email:idllab@uga.edu


I'm very sorry for your loss!
 

MeinRabe

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Kay
Hello everyone. Thank you so much for your kind words. I must leave for work soon, so I don't have much time to reply, but I wanted to respond to several of you guys. I am on mobile so I apologize for any weird formatting.

Contact the Infectious Diseases Lab at the University of Georgia in Athens: Dr. Branson Ritchie works there and is a leading expert on PBFD. Put "inquiry" in the email subject line and ask them about sanitizing your home and a safe timeline for adopting a new avian companion. Their email:idllab@uga.edu


I'm very sorry for your loss!
Thank you for this suggestion, I will contact him tonight or tomorrow. I will post here if I recieve a response.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my heart bird almost a year ago. It was sudden and unexpected, even though he was older. So I understand your heart break very well. I know it doesn't really help now to say that it gets better, but it does. The hole in your heart never goes away but the pain subsides. I hope you can find another bird to love. Hugs.
The responses I have recieved on here have been so much better than offline. I've been told it's just a bird and to be "mature" about it by family members. It's been awful. He was too sweet and intelligent a bird for that.

I'm incredibly heartbroken for you. So very sorry for your loss. I can sympathize regarding the bond. I lost both my mom and dad in their early 50's to cancer and my stepdad was also diagnosed with cancer at the same time as my mom and is still fighting. I've been broken since the passing of my mom two years ago. She was my world. My animals and especially my bird helped get me through the really tough days. Then Jasper, my bare eyed cockatoo died suddenly just a few months ago. He entangled in a toy in his cage. I was devastated at facing another huge loss. I'm still reeling from finding him lifeless in the cage and have guilt that I couldn't save my boy. I finally sought help from my doctor because I was so angry and sad every day. I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Layla, my new galah brings light to my days. My kids and husband don't understand my bond with my bird babies but without them I'd be empty which is crazy because I live in a house full of animals and children.

I'm glad you are here for support with like minded people. I hope very much that another bird finds you to fill that bird sized hole in your heart.
I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. This board is the only thing that has made me feel better. I think we all have guilt when our birds pass.
 
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MeinRabe

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Kay
Kay, my heart goes out to you. I think many of us have been through things with our fids that gave us similar feelings.
It sounds like you are not able to wait a year as suggested.........
I imagine some of the larger rescues or avian vets are asked to take in PBFD birds and might be able to refer them to you.
If you can tell us an area of the country we could probably suggest who these folks are so you could contact them
:sadhug2:
I am in southern California. There are two local bird groups that I know of. I will contact them. Likewise, if anyone knows of any birds that need a home and are pbfd+, please message me or post here.

:sadhug: Their beautiful little souls speak to us and give us a reason to keep fighting. I think a lot of people here will understand what you've written (at least on some level) and how you felt about your precious bird.

(Have you heard of Rhea the Naked Birdie on Facebook? She has PBFD.)
I have seen Rhea and Binky. I have no desire to look at them now or seek out any bird photos but I was always torn about them. I considered doing this with my bird, but I didn't want to glamorize pbfd. I'm not saying they do, and the fact they educate people is amazing, but I could never take part in it, especially now.

Sending you heartfelt well wishes. I am so sorry for your loss. I am devestated for you. Thank you for being such an amazingly wonderful parront. He knew how well cared for and loved he was. I am glad he went relatively quickly and painlessly.

My parents have a PBFD bird. You can buy F10 bombs which may help sanitize your house. The disease can live for up to one year on a household surface. It is an extremely robust disease.

You have done all the right things. For now be kind to yourself and remember fondly your soul mate. He will remain in your heart, memories and life forever.:grouphug:
Do you know where to get f10 "bombs" (not a huge fan of the name) in America? I get my f10 from Amazon. I heard the "bombs" are only available in the UK and South Africa, and must be delivered by courier and not mail. If you know how to import them it would be a huge help!
 

Tiel Feathers

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I'm so sorry for your loss and all you've been through. I hope you can get another bird in need to love and form a bond with. Birds are so special, and your right, most people just dont understand how truly special they are.
:sadhug2:
:sadhug2:
:sadhug2:
 

MiniMacaw

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I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know that loss as well and I know it never fully goes away. But there are ways to santatize your home (you've gotten amazing suggestions already) and there is another bird out there that needs the love only you can give it. I have no doubt about that.
 

MiniMacaw

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Oh and don't let other people tell you how you need to grieve. There is no right way to grieve, only what's right to us as individuals. I myself am a crier lol. Those close to me get it and those that don't don't get to be close to me.
 

Hankmacaw

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I am sorry that you lost your best buddy. I too lost mine, after an illness that lasted years - The hole it leaves in your heart and life is large and painful. The pain never completely dies, but it does become bearable. I'm glad you want another parrot. Jasper has helped me a lot.

May your buddy fly high and free, without illness or pain and with all of his beautiful feathers. He will have many old friends from AA there to show him around
 

Sylvi_

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I am so sorry for your loss. :sadhug2:

Losing an animal is one of the toughest things. And don't feel badly if you need to take time to grieve.
I too suffer from depression and my animals give me a huge lifeline. I rely on them as much as they do me.

You gave him an amazing life, filled with love. He absolutely knew he was loved every minute. Treasure the memories, and think of him with a smile. :)

I wish you the best of luck finding a future feathered companion. :hug8:
 
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