• Welcome to Avian Avenue! To view our forum with less advertisments please register with us.
    Memberships are free and it will just take a moment. Click here

Feeling so guilty

dessa.meeh

Sitting on the front steps
Joined
4/16/22
Messages
19
Almost 6 months to the day since Kiwi passed and our family experienced another tragedy. Freedom, my beautiful green cheek conure passed away yesterday morning. She was my first bird, we got her as a baby and she grew up with me from 3rd grade until now. 18 years together. She was older but should have lived so much longer.

I should have been watching. Freedom and my Amazon, Ricky, were on the couch together. I left to grab a cup of tea, gone no longer than a minute and something I had done many times before. In that time they got into a fight. Freedom ended up with a broken wing and open wounds. We took her to the vet who stitched her up and wrapped her wing. She did wonderful under anesthesia, my little fighter. Making her displeasure known loud enough that I could hear her outside. The vet was very optimistic and we had an appointment for next week to get her wrap changed.

That night was restless. She was still getting used to her bandage and hated every second of it. She was in pain even with the meds. In the middle of the night, I prayed for God to take her pain away and in that moment, I knew she wouldn't make it. She passed away in the early hours of the morning with me sleeping right next to her. She was covered so she could have a dark place to rest but I wish she had been able to see me next to her, to know she wasn't alone.

We buried her next to Kiwi so they can pester each other over the Rainbow Bridge just like they did here on Earth.

God, I miss her so much. I feel so guilty, if I had just been there and stopped them from getting into a fight, she would still be here, being her sassy little self. I knew better. I knew not to leave them alone, I should have been there. Freedom paid the price for my negligence.

This year has been so hard, I don't know how much more my family can take, how much more I can take. I am terrified of losing someone else. I would do anything to have her back, to have both Kiwi and Freedom back.

Freedom, my little sassafrass, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry that you don't get to experience more time here, I'm sorry that you were in pain. I love you so much my baby girl. I miss your chirps, I miss your cuddles. I even miss your surprisingly sharp nips when you didn't get your way. I miss you nesting in my unbrushed hair. I miss you playing hide and seek when you didn't want to go back into your cage. I miss your antics. I miss you flying and landing on my head. I miss you showing that you were top bird, even though you were by far the smallest. I miss you falling asleep on my arm when I'm in a meeting. I miss you.

I love you so much Freedom. Please visit me in my dreams. Find Kiwi and have her show you around. Don't be too much of a pest to her, ok? I'm sure you'll be ruling the heavenly roost in no time, if you aren't already. Mommy and Derek miss you so so much.

Thank you so much for choosing me to be your mom. I love you.
 

Attachments

Kassiani

Biking along the boulevard
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
9/12/20
Messages
6,832
Location
Southeastern U.S.
I’m just so sorry to read about your sweet girl! :sorrow:
 

Icey

Biking along the boulevard
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
2/29/16
Messages
5,742
Location
Wales, United Kingdom
Real Name
Ann
So sorry for your loss.:sorrow:
 

Shezbug

ASK ME FOR PICTURES OF MY MACAW!
Super Moderator
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
4/28/18
Messages
25,837
Location
Vic, Australia
Real Name
Shez
I am very sorry to hear of your loss :(
 

Somebirdie

Rollerblading along the road
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Joined
4/13/12
Messages
3,705
Location
Australia
I’m very sorry to hear of your loss of Freedom, and to read about your prior loss of Kiwi.
You had 18 years together which I think shows you did a wonderful job caring for her.
In her moment of need you didn’t hesitate to get her the help she needed.
I am sorry this accident happened, but please remember it was an accident.

lots of love to you
 

Tiel Feathers

Joyriding the Neighborhood
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
9/15/14
Messages
20,193
Location
Quincy,CA
Real Name
Deanna
Oh how heartbreaking, I’m so very sorry.
:sadhug2:
 

rocky'smom

Joyriding the Neighborhood
Avenue Veteran
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
4/14/14
Messages
17,447
Location
minnesota
Real Name
laurie
So very sorry
 

expressmailtome

Ripping up the road
Administrator
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
4/15/10
Messages
49,992
Real Name
Matthew
I am very sorry.
 

Nnbal

Rollerblading along the road
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
3/24/21
Messages
1,846
Real Name
Nnbal
I am so sorry for your loss :sorrow:
 

SunTruth

Sprinting down the street
Joined
3/6/22
Messages
537
I am sorry for your loss. You took care of her all these years and an accident happened, and sadly it can happen to anyone. We are not machine able to control everything we do. Take care of yourself now.
 

Tyrion

Biking along the boulevard
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Joined
1/22/15
Messages
6,797
Location
Oh Canada
Real Name
Annette Thompson
So very sorry for your loss :sorrow:
 

Dartman

Biking along the boulevard
Avenue Veteran
Celebirdy of the Month
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
10/20/12
Messages
9,254
Location
Portland Oregon
Real Name
Terry

Tilly123

Strolling the yard
Joined
1/29/20
Messages
139
Real Name
Chrissie
I'm thinking of you at this sad time.
Be kind to yourself. Freedom loved you and you loved and you gave him 18 wonderful years.
 

dessa.meeh

Sitting on the front steps
Joined
4/16/22
Messages
19
3 months and I still miss her so much. 9 months since Kiwi passed. I feel so guilty still and I just want to see them again. I'm crying myself to sleep, tonight is just the latest in a long line of bad days. I feel like I can't keep telling my family about this because it is the same thing over and over even though they say that Freedom and Kiwi loved me. I loved them so much too but I don't know if it was enough, if I gave them the best life possible. I know there are things I should have done differently and there are so many regrets. Does anyone have any advice? Some days I just feel destroyed on the inside.
 

Xoetix

Biking along the boulevard
Mayor of the Avenue
Avenue Spotlight Award
Joined
6/12/22
Messages
6,625
Location
Southern VA, US
Real Name
Meghan (she/her)
Honestly, therapy if you can. That way you can talk it out with a professional who can give you good solid advice on dealing with grief and how you might be able to overcome it.
 

Tilly123

Strolling the yard
Joined
1/29/20
Messages
139
Real Name
Chrissie
I know that guilt and heartache. It was a while before I could think straight because I had so much guilt and had so many regrets just like you have. I failed to protect my Amazon of 18 years and I lost him.
I guess I will always have those feelings, but I had to find ways to keep going.
I had a tattoo done of him, I had an oil painting done of him, I read a lot of books on grief, I painted, I wrote a 'memory book', I walked in the countryside, and saw a therapist.I tried everything to ease the pain of him not being here anymore.
Very slowly the pain lessened. I still miss him everyday ans always will, yet happy thoughts and memories of him come to me everyday too.
You clearly loved Kiwi and Freedom very much. They did know that, they know that you would have never harmed them.
The love that you shared will stay with you and them for always.
 

SunTruth

Sprinting down the street
Joined
3/6/22
Messages
537
Hello. Just some random thought here I am not an expert but among the flow of opinions maybe these ones could help I do not know. I think maybe talking about this with someone or several persons you can trust and not aware of all of this could be worth considering. Sometime the opinion/advice we tend to go with is at the intersection of what several different persons can say. Someone not aware of all of this could eventually give a very genuine perspective on all of this.
And also I think it could eventually be worth trying to divert you from all these thoughts by an extra activity. I am not saying you are not busy but it could be worth trying to divert your attention a little bit.
Hope you get better soon.
 
Top