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Attachment anxiety

Bunklet

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Tessa
Hey guys!

If you have read my other forums from the past, a few months ago now, I had noticed that my cockatiel Boomer had 'chosen' my boyfriend as his person. In the beginning he was still happy to interact with me, but his special bond was with my partner. With me, Boomer was more adventurous, less interested in me and more interested in exploring. When my partner got home, he'd start singing my partners favourite football teams song for him, fly to him and press himself against his neck to deliver his serenade. It was the most gorgeous display!
Now however we're having a few problems. My partner works full time and leaves early in the morning, and Boomer calls for him hours after he leaves. He no longer wants to come out for me, and will fly around in distress or sit in a quiet area singing for my partner to come for him, hissing at me. He doesnt want to explore anymore.
When my partner gets home in the evening, he'll become anxious trying to catch his attention. He wants to be the first person greeted when he walks in the door, and he absolutely hates being in his cage at all times. He calls desperately, constantly.
Its really unfair, but my partner does not return Boomers affections.
I am more than happy for my boyfriend to be Boomers person, I just want him to be happy and healthy and feel loved.
But suddenly out of the blue my boyfriend has started saying he wasn't sure about having a bird to begin with, which is news to me. His overwhelmed by Boomers needs, and his hinting that Boomer would be better off being separated from him entirely while his still young. I never would rehome Boomer, but my boyfriend wants to give him to his mother who has other cockatiels.
So I'm wondering how I can fix this. I understand my boyfriend is being a total butt, when i moved in I inherited his two very big mastiff dogs and never complain about them sleeping in our beds, getting hair all through the house. I consider them my own and love them. So why cant he do the same for Boomer?
As annoyed as I am at the situation, I really want to know what I can do for Boomer. The person his chosen doesn't want to be that person, and I hate seeing him stressed. As I said before, I want him to be happy, healthy and feel loved. I understand i cant force him to bond with me, that's not what I'm after, but is there ways I can encourage more independence and help him be more separate from my partner? He was so friendly with humans before, I'm just not sure he'd enjoy being in an aviary at all.
 

Bunklet

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I just wanted to add my boyfriend does spend time with Boomer, singing, doing dishes together, giving kisses. It's not that his ignoring Boomer.
But Boomer doesn't want to be separated from him at all. If my boyfriend is busy with work one evening and can't hold him, Boomer freaks out. If I have him in another room he'll screech for my boyfriend and start puffing.
 

Begone

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I only see two solutions for this.
1. Get another bird and hope that he bond to it.
2. Give him up.
My partner works full time and leaves early in the morning, and Boomer calls for him hours after he leaves. He no longer wants to come out for me, and will fly around in distress or sit in a quiet area singing for my partner to come for him, hissing at me. He doesnt want to explore anymore.
When my partner gets home in the evening, he'll become anxious trying to catch his attention. He wants to be the first person greeted when he walks in the door, and he absolutely hates being in his cage at all times. He calls desperately, constantly.
Because this is torture for him. :(
His overwhelmed by Boomers needs, and his hinting that Boomer would be better off being separated from him entirely while his still young. I never would rehome Boomer, but my boyfriend wants to give him to his mother who has other cockatiels.
I think he is right. But if you let Boomer move to his mother he must stop visit so Boomer can have a chance to be a bird again. And IMO birds should not bond to a human like that.
 

Khizz

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I can't offer a lot of advice, but I feel for you. I do understand where your boyfriend is coming from, if you aren't an enthusiastic bird owner, having a bird bond to you and being so attached can be overwhelming. Especially as it gets in the way or other work.

As someone else said, perhaps another bird might help. However, this is a risky move as there is no guarantee that they will bond, and then if you didn't want a second bird in the first place, then you are left with an extra bird that needs extra care and attention.
 

Bunklet

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I’m not even sure how it happened.
We had bought Boomer for me, I’m home most days and had always been interested in birds. my partner didn’t expect so much attention!
I am currently considering putting him with the other cockatiels at my mother in laws, as much as I’d rather keep him with me I think that might be selfish of me. Eloy is definitely right, his being tortured right now!
 

Shezbug

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It sounds like a difficult situation. This must be such a hard decision to have to make.

I wish you well in finding the perfect solution:)
 

Texas Tiel fan

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Sounds like it may be time to get a new boy friend! Id trust a bird over MOST humans anyways!
 

RatTails

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I don't have much advice but I feel for you. This situation sucks!

Is your bf perhaps maybe handling him in a way that could make him hormonal and thus more attached?

Maybe this video has some advice on hormones? Might be worth looking into and changing before rehoming?

 

Bunklet

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That video is very interesting! I can definitely see some of that mating/obsessive behaviour.
Boomer does get territorial on shoulders, and it's impossible to get him off if he doesn't want to.
He also presses against my boyfriend and sings to him, I think he might even do heart wings.
The more I read about it, I realise Boomer doesn't get alot of enrichment. He gets attention and cuddles, and kisses from my boyfriend, but from the looks of it that's reinforcing his obsession.
With my boyfriend Boomer has no boundaries, as in, he trusts my boyfriend in anything he does. I can't give scratches but my boyfriend can kiss him anywhere, pat, move his wings and feet. If allowed Boomer would happily climb into his mouth just to be closer to him.
So I've moved the cage to another area where I sit alot, but my boyfriend doesn't.
I'm going to start training Boomer to stay off shoulders and instead be nearby on perches, where he can see us but doesn't need to be cuddled. As I'm writing this Boomer just flew across the room from his perch to sit on my shoulder. And gently bites me when I move him.
I'm also going to research more games and foraging for him. Something more stimulating than just affection.
 

Tara81

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Hard situation, but there is always a possibility he could change allegiance. Try to win over his heart with toys and treats. Spend quality time interacting with him, singing, pretending to play with a toy near him. I wouldn’t give up just yet. He is adjusting to a new schedule .
 

Bunklet

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Thanks for the support!

I've been spending alot of time with Boomer and today was a nice moment where he kept flying to me from the perch, and then finally decided to begin investigating around him independently with me sitting nearby. Checking in every now and then to make sure I was watching.

When he calls out distressed I've been sitting next to his cage and talking, but not coming to every call and opting to call back other times.

I've been putting on bedtime stories for him while I'm gone, or cartoons, and put some fake lawn in his cage for foraging.
I've also been leaving the lights off in his room and the curtains open, so his having more natural light and more consistent darkness after sunset. I realised where his cage was before that it was next to the bathroom door and we often left the bathroom light on by accident in the evenings. So he was getting way too much light!

The biggest problem I've come up against is his distress when my boyfriend gets home. He can hear the dogs barking when the car pulls up and becomes very excited, calling in panic for him. For the few hours afterwards he can hear my boyfriend talking (his a loud talker!) and Boomer screeches everytime he hears him speak.
My boyfriend isn't sure if he should go and talk to him or let him out when his screeching (Boomer becomes very excited to see him, singing as loudly as he can for him and chattering his beak), or if that's reinforcing Boomers obsessive behaviour with him?
 

Bunklet

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When Boomer sings for my boyfriend to celebrate seeing him, it sounds so desperate and emotional. It breaks my heart! Almost as if his telling him how much he missed him. Hopefully with more consistency during the day he'll learn to be less overwhelmed to see my boyfriend and just excited to see his good friend. I'm not sure if cockatiels are able to change how they see a flock member, letting a 'mate' become a favourite friend instead?
 
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Begone

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My boyfriend isn't sure if he should go and talk to him or let him out when his screeching (Boomer becomes very excited to see him, singing as loudly as he can for him and chattering his beak), or if that's reinforcing Boomers obsessive behaviour with him?
As long as you have him in your care of course he should interact with boomer. But no touching and no reinforcement if he is showing hormonal behavior.
And that isn't a obsessive behavior, that is a normal parrot behavior and what could happen if you have them as single birds.
Hard situation, but there is always a possibility he could change allegiance. Try to win over his heart with toys and treats. Spend quality time interacting with him, singing, pretending to play with a toy near him. I wouldn’t give up just yet. He is adjusting to a new schedule .
May I ask if you have any own experience of that? I have never seen it happen and no toys or treats in the world will make him change his mind.
 

Bunklet

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There are some 'obsessive' behaviours from what I've been reading, for example when Boomer is out of his cage with my boyfriend he wants to be pressed against him at all times, against his neck or face. He'll bite and hiss if anyone approaches them, and he becomes very aggressive if anyone tries to remove him, even if my boyfriend moves him from his neck to another body area or perch/table.
In terms of hormonal behaviour I'm not sure if Boomer has hit puberty yet as he hasn't molted at all.
I am absolutely more than happy for my boyfriend to be his special person, in the long run I definitely plan to have them interacting as much as my boyfriend can, I'm just concerned with the changes I have noticed from being quite outgoing and adventurous to now needing constant physical contact with my boyfriend to feel at ease. Alot of the time he is screeching he can't be calmed, unless he is held to my boyfriends face/mouth.
Which is why I'm wondering if it's more distressing for him to have the more limited amount of interaction my boyfriend can offer, when its clearly not as much as Boomer needs from him, or to separate them in the short term.
 

Tara81

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As long as you have him in your care of course he should interact with boomer. But no touching and no reinforcement if he is showing hormonal behavior.
And that isn't a obsessive behavior, that is a normal parrot behavior and what could happen if you have them as single birds.

May I ask if you have any own experience of that? I have never seen it happen and no toys or treats in the world will make him change his mind.
Sort of. My cockatiel favored my boyfriend over me for a week, but now she favors me over him since he works alot. It used to be she liked us both the same, then him for awhile, then me ever since.
 

Bunklet

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It's crazy how much Boomer has improved the last few days.
This morning he let me take him out of his cage, and put him back in. He happily ran between my boyfriends and my knees. He was using our legs as escalators to get to the floor and back to the couch, and when he was done playing he chose my foot as the perfect spot to fluff up and prune himself to sleep.
I'm pretty impressed with this little fella, considering a week ago he was hissing at me whenever I approached and attacked anyone who tried to move him from my boyfriend or leave him to perch.
 

Tiel Feathers

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That’s awesome! Tiels are such such easy going birds and usually don’t have a problem liking more than one person. I’m glad Boomer is now happy to be with both of you!
 

RatTails

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I'm so happy the video helped a little. I find they're quite addictive to watch and the more I watch the more I learn and I love it.

I'm a bit late coming back but I wanted to say your bf should def greet Boomer when he comes home. Birds are sensitive and emotional and recognize greetings, or in this case, the lack of, and he's probably offended lol. Tell bf to greet him but don't make a fuss, so you can keep improving like you are.

I'm so happy there is good news here!
 
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